Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Been in the hospital with Edd for over a week now.  He had seizures and his cognitive skills have been greatly effected. Though I have not the strength or will to write all the details I would like to just write some thoughts and express the depth of my heartbreak, my numbness. I am somewhat on autopilot, just doing what needs to be done. I guess that's good for now.

I walked out of Edd's hospital room last night to get another blanket and unexpectedly encountered his nurse outside the door with tears in her eyes. The hall was quiet and we talked. Even she had personal pain. She told me her mom was dying too with a type of pulmonary disease. As I expressed compassion she apologized for showing that emotion knowing I already had enough of my own problems.  I told her it was somewhat comforting to know I was not the only one with grief.  She also said there was a woman in a nearby room, like me, going through the same type of hurt... And would I like to talk with her. She said she'd also ask the woman if she'd like to talk with me.... She did... So maybe we will meet at some point.

I don't know if this is permanent, but scrambled thoughts and confusion is now the norm.  Somewhere between reality and random unrelated ideas in his mind.  The heart is still gentle though. This conversation occurred this morning.

Him: That's so nice. You're here with the captain, your baby and your husband.

Me: Huh? Who is my baby?

Him: (smile) Kristen

Me: Who is my husband?

Him: (thinking) I don't know.

Me: Edd is my husband. I'm Kathi.

Him: (smiling ...and staring at me with tears in his eyes) He's a lucky man....

Me: She is a lucky woman too.

We smiled a long time staring into each others tear-filled eyes.

This love has changed, but it is still there.

“We were promised sufferings. They were part of the program. We were even told, 'Blessed are they that mourn,' and I accept it. I've got nothing that I hadn't bargained for. Of course it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not imagination.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed


  1. Kathi,

    When I read posts like these (and it is heartbreaking that there are so many out there these days), my instinct is to tell you how sorry I am, how much my heart feels for you and your family, and to offer you genuine prayer. This all goes without saying, but I'm saying it anyway, because I'm human...and I want you to know. Believe it or not, I often think of you and Edd because of Jenni, and I hope it's ok with you that I pray for you all. I am sad for what you are all going through.

    There is so much beauty in this post; I was especially moved by your encounter with Edd's nurse and learning about her own pain. Your conversation with her is a beautiful display of human emotion and how we are all connected to one another by hearts who feel the same joy, love and pain. That you are able to offer (and receive) comfort is a wonderful gift.

    Thank you for sharing your heart and your experience with us here. Thinking of and sending you, Edd and your family, Love.


  2. Kathi

    you are SUCH a beautiful writer and my heart breaks for you guys. Its so true what you said that it's comforting to have someone else going through grief. I'm praying for you and your family so much! I had the pleasure of meeting Jenni back in September and just want to tell you how much of a sweetie she is. You are so lucky to have a daughter like her :-)

    xoxox sending lots of prayers your way


  3. That quote is beautiful and so true all at once. I hope you know you are not alone in your suffering. I know it is comforting to know that so many others are going through similar experiences or are feeling immense pain as well. Right now, on the smallest of scales I can relate to your words when you talked about "numbness" and being on "autopilot". God is a great comforter... I am praying for you.

  4. A heartbreaking turn, yet you posted it with such beauty and love. You are both lucky to have each other. And as for Edd: the body may be malfunctioning, but the spirit always manages to shine through here and there. A gift for you from his heart.

  5. Kathi,

    I've heard that Edd will get to spend time at home with you and Nicky. I've always had an older family and would love to help any way I can. Dinner, errands, a chit chat. My number is 512-619-5315.


  6. What a beautiful blog, Kathi. And I absolutely love that quote at the end. I've read recently that God uses our suffering to allow us to help others going through suffering of their own. And while it doesn't make it easier to go through while you are in it, hopefully one day it will help bring you some sense of comfort to know that you will be able to help other people. I'm a fan of Jenni's blog and I've had Edd in my prayers.


  7. Everything I've tried to type out as a response feels stale. I guess maybe I don't have any words. Just tears.

  8. Oh Kathi...I have no words but am sending prayers and hugs for you and yours. Powerful and wonderful things are brought in very unusual circumstances.

    Much love...

  9. Sending you love, Kathi! You are a beautiful soul and your words amaze me. As does your love for Edd. He's lucky to have you, and you him.