another day

Another day for remembering.  Seems everyday is such a day, but today even more so. 

I drove Edd's big old Chevy Tahoe.  The one with over 200,000 miles on it.  I was on a quest for a writing table to purchase and thought if I drove the truck I could buy it if I found just the right one.  I didn't, but while I drove around I felt sort of closer to him.  That big old Tahoe seems almost indestructible... though I know nothing is ... It felt safe and clunky and kind of like he was taking care of me.... again.

I went to see the condo he used to live in.  That we lived and loved in.  Kind of where we had our beginning.  Just drove slowly past and looked.  And remembered.

I went to see the boat....where it sat parked in its parking place all covered up with its tarp.   Where he left it.  I touched it.  And remembered.  Happy times that just weren't enough.

The days come and they go.  They keep marching on.  I am taking time to grieve.  I am taking time to remember even though the pain is great and the tears come with ease.  They never seem to dry up.  I still struggle with it all.  

I'm still in the waves trying to come up for air.  I will.  But right now.... I am remembering.  And still trying to catch my breath.

a month ago

It's been a month.  Seems like yesterday.  Seems an eternity.  It's the longest period of time we've been apart from each other since the summer of 2003.  I miss his voice.  I miss his smile.  I miss a million things that made us so good together. 

I think of so many things during the day that I could write in this space.  Things about grief.  Things I am learning.  Things I am thinking about.  All the many things that have changed me.  But for now, I just want to take it all in.   I hope to get back to writing short little outtakes from my day.  I am still in awe of how much I was loved and how much I loved back.   How much I have lost. 

Treasures.  They aren't the things we put in banks or accumulate in our homes.  They aren't the cars we drive or the jewelry we wear.  But if you have love.... you have everything.  If you find someone who melts your heart and someone you gladly want to give your all to... and they feel the same.  If they don't only feel the same but their actions follow...  Now that is a treasure.

We were lucky.  We were blessed.  We had that.  Some people go their whole lives without finding it.  For that I'll always be grateful.  My love for him... is eternal.  And I still feel his love for me.

again and again

Tears flow.  Again.  And again...

I've been changed.  I am better...

because of him.

Because he loved me.

And I loved him.

Deeply.

I am empty.  Yet somehow full.... of him... still.... 

I remember. 

 I cry.  I long.  I'm a complex mess... yet my heart is full of love

... and some kind of strange understanding...  or wisdom... 

still to be figured out...  but mostly.... I miss... and long 

for him

Again and again.
Always.
Forever.

always

Found this today.  Just rummaging through a drawer in the kitchen.  From my last birthday in August.

Does a man like this leave a huge aching hole in your heart?  You better believe it.

Is it getting easier?  No, not yet.

Did I feel loved?  Always.

I'll love you forever too.....

finding my footing

Seems fitting I'd be thinking on suffering this weekend.. Of all times. The time the Christ-followers remember his death. His suffering.

Those who know me know how I have grappled with this. Suffering. I can rattle off all the reasons for it as well as the next person, but when you truly witness it first hand in all its raw physical and emotional pain, once you've lived it, those reasons become hard to accept. Hard to see the love of God there. Hard to trust in his goodness. For me anyway.

I so relate to what C.S. Lewis wrote in his book A Grief Observed. “We were promised sufferings. They were part of the program. We were even told, 'Blessed are they that mourn,' and I accept it. I've got nothing that I hadn't bargained for. Of course it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not imagination.”

 And this....

“Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not 'So there's no God after all,' but 'So this is what God's really like. Deceive yourself no longer.”

Oh I choose to believe He is good and loves me, but oh how my heart has been broken into many pieces as I've watched cancer's cruelty destroy so much.

Why did I never doubt his love but I doubt God's?

Suffering. Is there something that suffering can accomplish that maybe nothing else has the power to completely do?

Suffering strips away everything that is not important and leaves only that which really matters. I did witness this too. I saw a man who had so much taken from him and yet his smile remained. Courage was displayed. Love was pure. Grace was apparent. He was content to sit next to me and hold my hand and say he was happy. Maybe God was doing something inside in a place human eyes are unable to see.

I've been trying to find my footing. Seeking a safe place. Trying to come up for air. I just want him back. I'll never have pat answers. For now the waves still wash over me. But there is also hope.

After all....it IS Resurrection Sunday.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Cor. 13:13

You are never in danger of showing or giving too much love.  Let it flow... and let others know.  Don't make them guess.

the love held

I stare at an empty page and wonder how to fill it or even if I want to.  Thoughts written on paper could never really tell the story of how I feel at this moment.  The loss is overwhelming and threatens to drown me.  I often can’t catch my breath.  His absence is so enormously felt.  The longing in my heart is…. there are no sufficient words to describe it …..

How do you go on when you’ve lost a great treasure?  You lost someone who filled you.  Filled all the empty places that you didn’t even know were there.  Completely.  The yin to my yang.  We just fit.  Perfectly.

I don’t even begin to understand why this happened.  Why I had to say goodbye to him too soon… and in this way.

Maybe God said, “Ok, you want a really good man?  I’ll give you one and include a strong, wonderful and rare love affair but there will be sorrow.  He needs a great love next to him to get him through it because I don’t want him to be alone and I want him to have the best.  And the best is you.  He is special and so are you….”

We did have a special love. One I never doubted.  One I was always sure of.   It never wavered.  And it held.  Till the very end.

And I can say that if that was the valley he had to walk through I’m glad I could be there to walk through it with him… and I so hope I made that journey a little bit lighter for him.  I hope he always felt loved and adored (I told him enough).  Because he WAS.

There may be nothing I ever do harder in my life, so this sheds perspective on life itself.  When I fear, I’ll think of Edd and all he suffered and how he smiled at me anyway.  When I’m tempted to fret about a challenge I face I’ll think of Edd and how he would strive to solve problems, not complain about them.  When I’m tempted to be selfish, I’ll think of him and how his thoughts were always on others and not focused on himself.  How did he do it?  God only knows.

I doubt there will be anything I face in this world that will be harder than watching the love of my life open his eyes, look straight into mine and take his last breath. 

My thoughts go in many directions. They are too numerous to even begin to sort out.  Hundreds, no thousands, of memories crowd me all at once.   My heart aches.  It’s empty.  And yet at the same time it overflows with love for a man that was nothing less than amazing and remarkable.  A gift. 

I was loved.  I felt loved.  Always.  I loved him.  Always.  And always will.

The day we got married.  June 20, 2007

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.  ~Author Unknown