Wednesday, April 4, 2012

the love held

I stare at an empty page and wonder how to fill it or even if I want to.  Thoughts written on paper could never really tell the story of how I feel at this moment.  The loss is overwhelming and threatens to drown me.  I often can’t catch my breath.  His absence is so enormously felt.  The longing in my heart is…. there are no sufficient words to describe it …..

How do you go on when you’ve lost a great treasure?  You lost someone who filled you.  Filled all the empty places that you didn’t even know were there.  Completely.  The yin to my yang.  We just fit.  Perfectly.

I don’t even begin to understand why this happened.  Why I had to say goodbye to him too soon… and in this way.

Maybe God said, “Ok, you want a really good man?  I’ll give you one and include a strong, wonderful and rare love affair but there will be sorrow.  He needs a great love next to him to get him through it because I don’t want him to be alone and I want him to have the best.  And the best is you.  He is special and so are you….”

We did have a special love. One I never doubted.  One I was always sure of.   It never wavered.  And it held.  Till the very end.

And I can say that if that was the valley he had to walk through I’m glad I could be there to walk through it with him… and I so hope I made that journey a little bit lighter for him.  I hope he always felt loved and adored (I told him enough).  Because he WAS.

There may be nothing I ever do harder in my life, so this sheds perspective on life itself.  When I fear, I’ll think of Edd and all he suffered and how he smiled at me anyway.  When I’m tempted to fret about a challenge I face I’ll think of Edd and how he would strive to solve problems, not complain about them.  When I’m tempted to be selfish, I’ll think of him and how his thoughts were always on others and not focused on himself.  How did he do it?  God only knows.

I doubt there will be anything I face in this world that will be harder than watching the love of my life open his eyes, look straight into mine and take his last breath. 

My thoughts go in many directions. They are too numerous to even begin to sort out.  Hundreds, no thousands, of memories crowd me all at once.   My heart aches.  It’s empty.  And yet at the same time it overflows with love for a man that was nothing less than amazing and remarkable.  A gift. 

I was loved.  I felt loved.  Always.  I loved him.  Always.  And always will.

The day we got married.  June 20, 2007

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.  ~Author Unknown


  1. I wouldn't doubt it a bit that you were meant to be the one to love Edd so much that you could help him on his most difficult journey. And I know it's hard, sweet girl. The loss you feel must be overwhelming - it hurts my heart to think of it, because my husband and I are a match like that. Puzzle pieces that fit exactly. But here's the good part (and I want you to think of this whenever you feel sad and scared): he is, metaphorically speaking, just in the next room. Loving you. Missing you, yes. But busy - I imagine there are all sorts of things to do. And the best part is that he will be there to meet you when it's your turn to make the journey. There's a song by Marc Cohn - "True Companion" that has this last verse:

    When I look in your eyes, I'll still see that spark
    Until the shadows fall, until the room grows dark.
    Then when I leave this earth, I'll be with the angels standing
    I'll be out there waiting for my true companion,
    Just for my true companion.

    I believe this with all my heart, and it's what has helped me to keep a good perspective when I've lost people I love. I hope it helps you to remember this too. Our time on earth is (relatively speaking) so short. But eternity and joyful reunions await us. Continue to do good with your time here - how lucky that you have family to help you weather this storm! Better days are ahead, and love lives on.

  2. What an extraordinary thing to have experienced that kind of love. And what an extraordinary loss.

  3. Oh Kathi,
    My heart aches for you and your sorrow. Losing your special Edd is not something that was supposed to be. The first time I ever had someone dear and a part of me leave this earthly plane I truly felt a hole in my heart. I don't think those holes ever are filled, they are left to remind us of what was so special and will one day be whole.

    I'm so sorry one of the most sensitive and loving people I've ever come to know has to experience such heartache. I'm also so grateful you have your girls and your parents to love you through.

    Many hugs and prayers sweet friend. Time doesn't make it better but it does make it bearable.


  4. Aww, Mrs Kathi, this post made me smile. And I've also learned that it's OK to question God. He's a big God and can take all we can throw at him. I pray he brings your peace and comfort during this time.


  5. Soft gentel tears,loving tears...

  6. My heart aches for you... I think I may have mentioned in previous correspondence that my step-father was essentially comatose, but just seconds prior to his passing - he woke up, grabbed my Mom, kissed her and laid back down and passed. I remember telling my BFF at the time, I hope somebody loves me that much someday"! Blessings... I know you and Edd were such a comfort to each other - it's evident in your posts and you were both so lucky to have the time you did, but that sure doesn't make losing him any easier... Lifting you and y'alls families up in prayer... God Bless and Keep You! Hugs, Tessa

  7. I am so very sorry for your loss.
    A few years ago, when i had just turned 24, i lost my dad to cancer.
    Going through his sickness and then his death is the hardest thing that i've had to do so far in my life, but my husband was with me through all of it.
    He was there when i needed to cry, when i needed to scream, when i needed to tell a funny story about dad. I know the pain of losing one of the pillars of my life but I cannot imagine losing him.
    So i can't even begin to imagine your pain.
    I pray for you, that time may help you to heal, even if just a little bit.

  8. Kathi, this made me cry, what enormous love you describe, how brave and generous of you to continue to share this journey.

  9. My heart breaks for you. I am praying for you constantly.