the love held

I stare at an empty page and wonder how to fill it or even if I want to.  Thoughts written on paper could never really tell the story of how I feel at this moment.  The loss is overwhelming and threatens to drown me.  I often can’t catch my breath.  His absence is so enormously felt.  The longing in my heart is…. there are no sufficient words to describe it …..

How do you go on when you’ve lost a great treasure?  You lost someone who filled you.  Filled all the empty places that you didn’t even know were there.  Completely.  The yin to my yang.  We just fit.  Perfectly.

I don’t even begin to understand why this happened.  Why I had to say goodbye to him too soon… and in this way.

Maybe God said, “Ok, you want a really good man?  I’ll give you one and include a strong, wonderful and rare love affair but there will be sorrow.  He needs a great love next to him to get him through it because I don’t want him to be alone and I want him to have the best.  And the best is you.  He is special and so are you….”

We did have a special love. One I never doubted.  One I was always sure of.   It never wavered.  And it held.  Till the very end.

And I can say that if that was the valley he had to walk through I’m glad I could be there to walk through it with him… and I so hope I made that journey a little bit lighter for him.  I hope he always felt loved and adored (I told him enough).  Because he WAS.

There may be nothing I ever do harder in my life, so this sheds perspective on life itself.  When I fear, I’ll think of Edd and all he suffered and how he smiled at me anyway.  When I’m tempted to fret about a challenge I face I’ll think of Edd and how he would strive to solve problems, not complain about them.  When I’m tempted to be selfish, I’ll think of him and how his thoughts were always on others and not focused on himself.  How did he do it?  God only knows.

I doubt there will be anything I face in this world that will be harder than watching the love of my life open his eyes, look straight into mine and take his last breath. 

My thoughts go in many directions. They are too numerous to even begin to sort out.  Hundreds, no thousands, of memories crowd me all at once.   My heart aches.  It’s empty.  And yet at the same time it overflows with love for a man that was nothing less than amazing and remarkable.  A gift. 

I was loved.  I felt loved.  Always.  I loved him.  Always.  And always will.

The day we got married.  June 20, 2007

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.  ~Author Unknown