pre-decorating de-clutterization

Before decorating for Christmas yesterday I purposely read articles about de-cluttering and minimalist decorating and getting rid of "stuff".... It was a good way to begin because over the last few years I've realized that too much stuff around makes me a little anxious and takes away some of my peace of mind. I feel more at ease when my home is in order. The thought of dragging out more stuff didn't really appeal to me unless I had a plan!

So I threw out, I boxed up, I took away stuff I would never use, didn't like, and didn't need. And I only brought things out of the attic that I wanted to take its place. And I'm happy with the result! I can appreciate other people's dramatic and abundant decorating style, but that doesn't feel right for me.

I will continue to de-clutter, give away, and simplify, because that makes me feel good, but today I am enjoying the work of yesterday.

words from the past

This morning I read over some of my words written the first year after losing Edd. A personal blog I didn't publish because it was too raw. And it touched me because of its realness.... the experiences and descriptions of a grieving widow.

It didn't make me cry. It didn't make me sad... It was poignant and human.

It made me feel loved.... He would have liked that.

It's been over three years. I've learned it takes time to heal. More time than we'd like. Some wounds are too deep to heal quickly. But we carry on and live each day taking care of our wounds as best we can until it doesn't hurt as much.

The world is hurting. Suffering is universal. Some more, maybe some less, but none of us are immune to it. It changes us and if we let it teach us we can learn things we couldn't learn any other way.

I pray for our hurting world.

Sunday, October 14, 2012
truth be told

If truth be told ....

I am still devastated by losing Edd... and it feels like yesterday and my heart aches.

I still can't sleep at night more than an hour or two at a time.

I miss him... more deeply ever day.

I haven't been able to engage in normal life... whatever that is.

I don't know how to re enter life, living it, without him.  I try to force myself, but there is  no one meeting me half way either.  And forcing anything doesn't work.

I have actually been taking care of myself, exercising, eating right, going to my doctor's appointments, putting on my makeup, looking nice, losing weight.... but for what??  I do it for myself yes... and for Edd.  Because he'd like that.

I probably am depressed ... and feel unsafe and insecure in the world.

I am very afraid of opening myself up again.

Seeing the love of my life deteriorate in front of my eyes, stealing away our dreams and life as a couple, carrying and feeling his pain, not being able to stop it... did something to me deep inside.  There is a sadness in me that I can't reach and the emotion and tears bubble up ... still.

Too bad if this doesn't fit into others' schedule of what is normal or healthy.  But it's the way it is.

Listening to some great music right now and just feeling it.... Right now a CD is pouring jams through the airwaves in my home and it feels nice.  It feels cozy and warm and I know.... in time... I'll find my way again.  In time.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012
seven months ago

You know. Of course you know. You knew how lonely I'd be for you. When you left... seven months ago. You knew my heart would ache. No one else needs to understand. How could they? Only WE know what we shared. I see that.... and it's okay. It's enough to know that you know. And you are with me. I feel you. If you were here you would look into my eyes with complete ease and full understanding. Together we always felt at home. At home with each other. Whenever we were together we were home...

morning

Sitting outside now in what feels like a perfect morning. The air flowing through is cool, but the sun is warm in the bright blue sky. I just put birdseed in the bushes.  The sparrows and finches couldn't be happier unless they all stopped fighting over the best position. The bushes are full of birds and there is enough food for all of them. Norman watches... and listens too.

I took a walk already. A decent brisk half hour dog-less walk after first walking Norman around the block. Chatted with a neighbor. Trimmed some new shoots that sprung out of bushes during the last rain. Cut back a crepe myrtle that needed a little attention. Now as I sit with some hot chocolate I'm keenly aware of my blessings and grateful the hot summer months of 2015 are now a thing of the past. I change my position and move into the chair beside me that is in the shade and soon need to move back into the sun for warmth again.  It's the sun that warms; the air is chilly.

I sit and pray for those I love who need a little help... or a lot of help. I breathe in all my blessings and pray to be able to exhale a little service to others. A great way to begin the day.

health

I have been feeling better lately. I am not as anxious. I am not as stressed. My aches and pains have either plateaued, gotten better or gone away.

Why?  What is different?

I'm not looking up every ailment I might or could or possibly have on the internet. I am not trying to hunt down the magic bullet that might make me feel better... like the food or vitamin or supplement that fights this ailment or helps with this problem... menopause, tendinitis, arthritis, anti-cancer, oh my goodness, you name it! I'm just trying to live my life.

I am exercising moderately. Riding my bike. Using my elliptical. Walking. I am eating all kinds of good food... fish, vegetables, whole grains, cheese, fruit, wine!!

Everything in moderation.

There is so much information out there today that can lead to more confusion. How can we ever get it right? Especially when the information and consensus by the medical community and "experts" seems to change daily? Coffee is good for you. Wine is bad, no it's good in moderation. Chocolate is bad. A little is okay. Carbs are bad. Sugar is bad. Real bad. Fats are okay. Good fats that is.  GMO's Bad, Bad. Organic good. Cholesterol is bad. Eggs are....Wait! It's okay! HUH??? Take this... don't take that!

I think from now on I am going to eat what I want, limit the quantity and ENJOY! Moderation. And choose healthy foods that nourish my body, but not get caught up in the newest, latest, information that comes down the pike. Because it just might change tomorrow. No, it WILL change tomorrow. I have been guilty of chasing down the trends and it hasn't helped my health in the least bit. Maybe hurt some?

So tonight I am having my 6 oz. of wine, and a sensible dinner... and I am not going to worry whether I get it all RIGHT! I've exercised, kept my thinking positive, prayed, read my Bible..... been open to how I can contribute and give of myself and my resources....

Amazing how good that is for my health!