change

October.

Letting that sink in.

October......

It's okay that Texas is still mostly hot. I'm not going to get bummed about that. Because I love that we don't get snowstorms that make driving even more hazardous here than it normally is. No shoveling. No chill way down deep to the bones.... And I like that the coming months are refreshing .... some days cold ... some days warm... I like that the days change and are not all the same like the hot, sunny summer days seem to be .....

October.

Change is near. The good kind of change. The kind that makes me feel hopeful.

I have more of a single thread of hope.... but even a single thread of hope is still a very powerful thing isn't it?

Once again change comes ... nothing stays the same. Sometimes things change in a flash... in an instant.  And other times change happens in tiny little minuscule instances... hardly noticed... until.... everything is totally different. I'm feeling like things are totally different. All of a sudden.

Sigh.

Life. Love. Thankful.

thoughts from my dad's visit

I just dropped Dad off at the airport after being with him for two weeks.

He is alone a lot. Actually he is alone all the time. Since mom died over four years ago he's lived by himself and it's not easy to visit given the distance. But I've done it numerous times and do the best I can.

I've made many trips out to see him and a few times he has traveled back with me to my home. Like this time. The times I have tried to plan a trip for him to travel on his own have not worked out. He is just not able to travel by himself anymore and planning a trip for him alone is pretty much setting him up to fail.... He's 85 and I feel very protective of him.

The last few trips I've noticed a pattern. When we are together initially he wants to talk about the same things. Things that bother him. Things that make him angry and confused and resentful. Like the fact that his brother never spread his wings but spent all his years under his parents' roof, never making an independent life of his own. Like the fact that he was not included in is parents' will. Things that have really hurt him.....I understand .... yet it's still hard to listen to it again and again.... He's a good man and doesn't understand why people do some of things they do.... but none of us do at times...

But then... after a while... slowly.... he begins to enter life again... he gets it out of his system and starts seeing people living and joins in. It's sooooo hard though. The woman he shared his days with, the love of his life, for over 60 years is gone.

Dad was (is) the epitome of loyal. To his wife. To his family. He worked a job faithfully and didn't ask much for himself. His wants were simple. A home. A good meal. A place of belonging. A job to do. Work to accomplish.

He was the man who brought his lunch to work every day in a brown bag. A sandwich. Maybe ham and cheese. Maybe peanut butter and jelly. He said others would go out to eat each day or bring restaurant food back to the office to eat but he didn't mind his brown bag lunch. He saved a lot of money that way he said. Of course mom would make it for him... and for him it was enough....

The things he'd do for his little family.... I recognize now.....they were simple... and yet enormous.

His humility and lack of entitlement is rare and really humbles me... and makes me see so much of our world and the things that others value as being so very shallow.....

I dropped him off at the airport today to make his way back to Oregon. These days you never know whether it will be the last time. He's confident as he walks away.... but also frail and needy. This trip, as easy as I have tried to make it for him, will be hard for him at times. I wish I was with him... just to be at his side to offer support.

But I'm only one person and have limitations myself.... I can't do all I might like to.

While he was here he just fit into the tapestry of my life and home. He came down early for coffee and breakfast. We went out for lunch sometimes and a few other outings. He met his two great granddaughters for the first time and got re-acquainted with his granddaughters.

He said he was so glad he came... to see them... to make the trip before maybe he couldn't anymore... He said he takes each day one at a time....

It was hard to see him go.... knowing he'd be alone again.....

I do what I can... and pray God will take it and make it enough.

Dad and Jenni

Kristen, Jenni, Dad and baby Paislee (Jenni brought everyone out for ice cream)

Pippa, me and Dad

reassurances

Childhood. Many of us remember when we were children. Some of us have wonderful memories of growing up in a loving home. I know I do.

I also have memories as far back as I can remember of being afraid of being separated from my mom. I never went to daycare and probably wasn't far from her until school began when I was five years old. My kindergarten class started in the afternoon and I remember the bus coming down my dirt road to pick me up. At least I have a movie of it occuring anyway.

Though I don't recall the bus ride vividly, I do remember crying in kindergarten from time to time because I missed my mom. I have memories of children being sick in the class and how upset that made me. I worried I would become sick too.

This fear seems to have followed me into adulthood. I would frequently ask my mom as I was growing up if I would be okay today as I left for school. She would always assure me that yes, I'd be okay... and then I knew I would be. And of course I was.

I have always needed reassurance.

Without her here, it's been tough. Sounds silly actually as I am in my 50's now, but we never really outgrow some of our needs. We become strong and able to reassure and help others, but we don't outgrow needing reassurance and comfort ourselves.

So it's okay. It's okay to admit that I'm fearful and need to be told things will be okay sometimes. It's okay to search for healthy ways to get that reassurance too. My doctor, my relationship with God, friends who know and love me....

But something will always be missing without having my mom here telling me .... I sure do miss her.

Home

I've been looking at properties for quite some time now.... wanting to downsize and move. My home at one time seemed right .... for Edd and I... but without him here.... after over five years without him...  it seems as though I'm rattling around in an empty shell of sorts. It's too big and doesn't seem to envelope me with comfort and simplicity and modesty.

Hard to explain in some ways since home isn't just a place for me. It's a feeling.

Home. It makes a social as well as a personal statement about ourselves, doesn't it? I think I try at every turn to get back to the way I felt as a child when home was much more than the actual walls and wood and shingles, but the sense of security and comfort and peace and safety.

Maybe I expect too much? Probably. But I keep looking. Searching.

I want a place that is smaller than I have now. More manageable. A little less to take care of and right for me as I move forward .... "to the foreshadowing chill of possible loneliness of old age." I'd love to be able to make changes if I'd like.. to make it more "me"... and be creative with the space. I'd like it to be full of visitors who enjoy its nooks and crannies too... but that joy seems to escape me somehow.

Oh, how life can get complex if we don't have the wisdom to reign it in when we need to. We try to do the best we can, don't we? But there is always something new to learn. Something we must re-think and evaluate anew.

Sigh.

So.

My search continues.

change of focus

When I spend time dwelling on things I can't control I'm doomed. 

Living alone is hard in that it is challenging to get out of your own head. 

But looking outside of myself, the bigger universe and how small I am, and finding joy in the 
little things... birds joyfully singing, white puffy clouds, a bubble bath, a loving memory, a child's hug or laugh, washing my hair, a fresh cup of morning coffee, writing a kind note, the smell of the earth after the rain, reading a quote of wisdom or hope ... fills me with the stillness and peace that I crave.

a safe place

As I sit here with a homemade blueberry muffin and cup of coffee I think of how writing from my heart is my happy place... what people today call their jam. But expressing and going to that place in my heart where all the feely and deep things are has been a slippery slope. It's sometimes a place that's hard to sort out... and then when I do hit a sensitive spot I can flinch.

It seems I've been too much of a hyper-vigilant over thinker for too long now. I'm sometimes jumpy and often my faith has turned to fear. Loss and disappointment has left me hobbling along at times. Although I mostly function just fine, some parts may have to be urged along to catch up and get back in the program. I'll still manage to be in this dance of life, but might not know all the right moves or when the music starts and stops. But I haven't given up trying... to do better... as I learn to be better.

So today... as the storms come, real or imagined ... and the worries of life try to take over... I will find ways to be still. To find that place where peace and calm dwell. To seek it out... To seek out the One who knows me and loves me.... created me and kept me safe all these years. I will put my life in His hands and if I take it back again I'll be quickly reminded nothing good comes from that. I'll remember that it's not about trying hard all the time, it's often about letting go and surrendering. It's about finding the place where you know you're safe ... and can hopefully reach out a hand to encourage someone else find that place too.

a distant memory

This was my dad's fruit tree "experiment" that didn't work out. About 45 years ago now.

He was always doing something interesting on our country property when I was growing up. We had chickens for a while and he constructed a coop and fenced yard for them. In the daytime they'd often be let out to forage outside of the coop's boundary. These were very healthy chickens and the epitome of happy and cage free!

One night I was walking home up to the house from a neighbor's (I had been babysitting) and heard a baaaaukkkkk that scared the daylights out of me! I had just walked past one of these little fruit trees that had a chicken roosting in it. She had failed to get back into the coop with the others to roost inside and flew into the tree for the night. A memory that has stayed with me.....

I was brought home from the hospital after my birth to this house. This was the home I grew up in. The one my memory returns to again and again. Though it has been inhabited by another family now for about 25 years, it will always be .....

.... my New Jersey home.

life as it is

Real life doesn't always resemble a Hallmark card or Norman Rockwell picture. Not mine anyway. When I was younger I thought I knew it all. I thought I knew how to navigate my life and family in a way that would keep all bad influences out and I'd be able to control what my life would look like. I thought I could mold circumstances and people to ... yeah... basically be a picture-perfect family.

How could I be so naive?

Sigh.

On the outside it may have seemed all was fine, but it wasn't.

There was a divorce.

Then there was a new love that was everything ... Edd... How lucky... how BLESSED was I!! Beyond all expectations. But that wasn't to last when he got sick.... and had to leave.... (How I miss him! But that's another blog post.)

And I have a daughter who has struggled with drugs... for years ... and had a baby one year ago..... but has now been clean and sober for five months and that is a miracle in itself. My prayer is for her to continue for the rest of her life to learn and grow and mature.... to make up for all those stagnant insane years.....  This little grand baby is sweet and precious and it's hard to imagine the world without her.

Would I have chosen this one to come into the world at this time... and in this way? No.. but she is here now and deserves to be loved and cared for and .... to have a wonderful #1 birthday party tomorrow!!

Another daughter is divorced with a beautiful 20 month old daughter who is delightful and beautiful and adorable beyond words!! But there's been struggle.. and disappointment ... and pain. My daughter is awesome and a wonderful mother, hard worker and doing an amazing job.

Life. I sometimes handle things well, and other times feel like my emotions are being thrown around like clothes in the dryer... my heart isn't as resilient as it used to be.... if it ever was. I feel more fragile somehow. More vulnerable. I know now what loss feels like ... and I don't like it. I know I have little control over events and my faith has often turned to fear. Maybe that's the worst part of all.

But I am learning that all I can do is what I can do... I often can't nor could I ever make everything right... but I do have the ability to be kind and encouraging and offer my heart to others who need to know they are loved. To listen and be present. To love so someone knows and feels it. I fail though... often.... And I, all of us, need to have our own boundaries and know ourselves enough to be able to say no to things we can't handle... and let others handle their own problems. I can't save others... we just can't... as hard as it is to watch them struggle. We can offer a leg up though right? Sometimes we can.

But those who care... and are present... and kind.... and show compassion.... and let us know we have value.... they mean the world don't they?

life with a dog... my dog

I've tried several times to add another dog to my home and family... besides Norman and I.. and each time I've come to the same conclusion.

I'm a one dog woman.

We are just in sync to the daily activities. He knows me. I know him. We coexist very well and are vaguely equivalent to an old married couple who just get each other.

When I leave to run errands he waits for me in the laundry room that connects to the garage, sleeping in another little bed there, listening for my return. He knows I always come home again....

He goes to bed when I do. Waits for the signals and recognizes when it's time to retreat to his little bed next to mine. I tuck him in and tell him what a good boy he is and give him extra pats and scratches.

When it's time to get up he follows me to the kitchen knowing he will go outside first before his breakfast. He looks up at me for direction every time... comes inside and then chows down before retreating back to the bedroom to watch me eat a light breakfast. He waits to see if he might get to lick the plate .... usually not.... but he's happy anyway jumping up on the bed when I finish.... to get a few pets and scratches.

When I exercise and do my yoga he joins me in the exercise room. He jumps up on the chair and takes a nap until I'm finished and then we go back downstairs. He likes to stay with the pack... however small our little pack is.... he and I.

He follows me into whatever room I'm in. If I'm busy, he takes a nap. If I go outside in the yard, he wants to come. He is ready to do whatever I want to do.

Dogs really are the greatest of companions.

I've enjoyed taking care of other dogs on a short term basis, and I've wished I could have a larger pack, but it just doesn't feel right and would be more than I could handle being the only human living here. I'm just one person without anyone else helping out.

And that's okay. Sometimes you have to try things out to know what you can do... and what you can't.

So ... it's me.... and Norman....

Norman helped fill the enormous void after Edd died. He helped fill the void after I lost Nicky, the dachshund before him. He is a dog that's always been full of life and energy. Sometimes too much energy... And he's aging now as dogs ... and all of us ... do. But he's still faithfully by my side... and he's earned my respect.

the cardinal in my yard

I first photographed this bird back in May. When I looked at the photos I noticed just how disheveled he was. His neck feathers were sparse and he looked a little sickly. He looks a bit worse now.

But it's July and he is still seen regularly in my yard and is active and full of life. He drinks from the birdbath and I throw him seeds from time to time. He returns day after day and just blends in with the life and rhythm of things. He sings beautifully as he sits on the roof or the bush outside my bedroom window. 

Tonight I heard his familiar song and stopped what I was doing to look outside. I followed the sound and saw him near the ground under the same bush... but he wasn't alone... he was feeding and seemingly caring for his spouse. He was definitely schmoozing up to a female cardinal. Although he looks as though he has had a rough life, he seems to be fairing just fine for now. He may be old. I read they live about 15 years! He's not a perfect specimen of cardinal, but I like so much that he hangs around. He seems very happy to have this yard as his home. And I like to keep fresh water around.... 

Legend implies that when a cardinal is seen it's a visitor from heaven. A reminder that you are loved. This one seems especially strong and worldly and wise. Like he's been around the block a few times. And he knows things. That's what I choose to believe anyway.

how things change

Slowly..... consistently.... subtly.... so no one really noticed what was happening.... we've moved as a society. Mostly all of us have been effected, but those who are young and on social media most of the day are effected the most. As I think back to my own growing up... and then into my 20's and 30's, it was so different in that people didn't have so much information about what everyone else was doing. We had to call a friend up and talk to them or visit.... to know whether they went on a trip, or got their hair done, or went out to dinner, or got a new dog, ended a relationship, started a new one, or began a new exciting job.... Now people post about anything and everything. 

I'm not saying it's bad. I don't really know if it is bad or good. It's the way it is, but I do think there are certain changes that occur inside of us as we concentrate too much on what everyone else is doing. It wasn't as prominent back before this social media generation. People are so much more apt to compare themselves with others instead of living their own peaceful existence. Seems wherever you go people are so wrapped up in their phones so as not to miss something going on... and of course if you're doing something fun, you better let others know about that too.

Oh, that people were more present. Often at the checkout line or just walking my dog I pass people with headphones on... Whenever they have a spare moment people are looking down at their phones, in the car talking... and driving... often swerving a bit.... 

Am I getting too old and cranky? Sigh... maybe.

I just wonder where it's leading. I think of my own granddaughters and wonder how driven they will be to measure up to someone else's definition of what's valuable or fun or popular or worthy.

I so want them to know they are worthy just as they are. They are enough and they don't need to be  more or greater or compare themselves to anyone else. They are unique and valuable and precious.

I get excited to see this trend toward simplicity and I hope it continues. I really hope people can put social media, their phones, their devices into proper perspective  .... and give them a rest. I hope we can get back to some old-fashioned simplicity. 

I don't think everyone is depressed as this quote implies, but I do believe thinking others have it better than we do and reading what others are doing on a regular basis can make some think they don't measure up. 

Just my two cents.

keeping it going

This week I have maintained a healthy diet every day. 

Every day I've used my elliptical machine for at least 30 minutes and also completed a yoga routine. 

Today I added a pilates workout and exercised for 90 minutes.

The pilates was hard.... and my joints hurt some.

But I took it easy and listened to my body...  and didn't go overboard.

It felt good to push myself. I know my body will perform better if my core is stronger.

So I will keep on this journey....

.... and be consistent.

I need to keep going and not give up.

those who are gone ...... and those who remain

I recently found someone on Facebook with the last name McCormick. I knew she was a relative somehow since she was a friend of another relative. One who was my mom's cousin. I wondered who she was so I requested to be her friend on Facebook and connect with her... so I could ask.

My grandmother's maiden name was McCormick and she came to the United States from Scotland around 1926. This was the passport picture. My grandmother is the little girl with the bow on the left.

McCormick family coming over from Scotland. My grandmother and her mother and siblings.

Although these people I connected with on Facebook have not been in my life at all in a personal way, I have from time to time heard their names growing up.  Not for a long time, but when my grandmother was alive.... or when my mom spoke of them.

These two women were my mom's cousins, so that would make them my second cousins.

Betty McCormick Wern was my grandmother's brother's daughter. I remember hearing about my mom's Uncle John, but as a little girl I didn't pay much attention and we never got together that I can recall.

Betty and I have recently shared stories and photos and it makes me feel a little more connected to family. She lives on Long Island and shared a few things with me about family history and just some interesting information. She is at this time 76 years old and was eager to answer any questions I had which I found very heartwarming.

Her grandfather (my grandmother's father) died in the Long Island Hurricane of 1938. He was only 45 years old. I looked up this terrible storm and found quite a lot of information on it. It was called the Long Island Express and many lost their lives. I always thought my great grandfather died in a blizzard in New York City, but I found out from someone who knew that he died in a hurricane on Long Island. Not that important in the grand scheme of things I suppose, but the accurate information adds to his life story and the fact that he was a real live person who mattered and was desperately missed... and how everything changed that day for those who loved him.

My great grandmother lost her husband in September of 1938 during that storm, but she herself lived close to another 30 years. 

I wish I knew her. I wish I could talk with her. I know my grandmother loved her and honored her. She had a picture of her on her dresser in her home. One that I remember well. I don't remember the details, but I remember the feelings I had and that my grandmother missed her very much. She died around 1965 and though I don't remember her, my grandmother spoke of her in a very reverent way.

My great grandmother Margaret Toll McCormick. She had 6 children

We also talked about the arthritis gene that is in the family. Something I am probably feeling some of the effects of. Another reason I have stepped up my effort to stay in shape, exercise each day and do my yoga for strength and flexibility.

Probably what I enjoy the most is knowing she was my mom's cousin and knew her as a little girl. She sent me a picture and what I see is what I've always seen in my mom's face and in her spirit. She was a mischeivious girl who was a lot of fun... and loved by everyone. 

Mom is the tallest girl in the back. Betty, her cousin is the littlest girl in the front.

As I learn more about some of my relatives in Holland and Scotland and here in the US, I feel a kinship somehow. I see hints of strong women who endured hardship and yet lived long lives. I feel a oneness and connection to these women who I came from.

Like my great-great grandmother (on my mom's side... her father's relatives) who lived in Holland and died in 1935. She was born in 1849 and lived to be 86 years old even though she lost her husband when she was 43 and was left with 9 children!!

Like my grandmother who had many health problems but still lived to be 71. She loved family gatherings and playing Hearts and telling stories to me when I stayed with her during the summer. 

Like my own mom who loved her family and was taken too soon, unexpectedly, when she was 77. She loved sewing, and shopping, and reading and computers and traveling... and her family best of all. And what a cute kid she was. 

I miss her so....

My pretty mom and her brother, my Uncle Neil

My mom as a little girl

My grandmother and my 4 month old mom

worrynomore

So here's the problem for me.

I worry. 

I worry about myself and things I can't control.

I worry about others that I love ... people I also cannot control.

I tend to think of the worst possible outcome and worry about that happening. 

Feeling it and suffering over something that hasn't even happened. 

Not good for the body at all. Gee. When did I become such a control freak? I've always been one?

So. I am issuing a proclamation.

I am not going to worry about you(*) anymore. I am not going to overthink everything and dwell on the "what ifs" of your decisions, choices, outcomes, LIFE. I am going to concentrate on my own life, my own choices, my own situation, because as I look at someone else's all the time, I neglect my own. I stay stuck. 

You have to navigate your own life and have been making your own decisions in your own way for a long time, without my input...  often doing the opposite of what I might suggest. So I am not going to worry about what happens because of that. It is YOUR life to do with as you will. To learn, to grow, to discover. If you choose wrongly and feel pain, I cannot stop that. I couldn't even if I wanted to. It's a part of the natural order of things. No one is stopping my pain when I choose wrong, if I choose wrong. And I can't stop anyone else's pain or discomfort. That very pain is supposed to shape you and teach you. Hopefully anyway.

We all need to find the path that is right for us. No one can provide the right path for someone else. 

*The "you" is anyone I may be worrying about at the time!

Okay .... now go and live it!

decluttering.... again and again

I grew up in a magical place. At least it seems like that now when I look back. I was a happy kid and felt loved. There was lots of fresh air and room to run and play outside. Woods to explore and a dirt road to ride my bicycle down. And just enough nice neighbors to play with...

I remember my best friend, Debbie. I think of her from time to time now... and wish I had been a better friend to her after I married and moved away... and even before that. She was a few years older than me and in many ways very different, but we were good friends. Since she was into collecting things and garage sales. I wasn't and have never been a collector. She was one to collect things... like old Avon bottles... she always had a lot of stuff around and whenever I'd call her and ask what she was doing she'd say, "I'm cleaning my room." Funny how that is a memory I now have of her.

I heard she died of cancer quite a few years ago and when I heard I felt very sad... and wrote her mother a note saying how very sorry I was....

The reason I write about her now is that I seem frequently be trying to "clean my room". I strive to get rid of extra clutter in my life, but there always seems to be more. I just did a internet search on "what to get rid of and declutter" right now to give me ideas. The lists made me want to open up drawers and cabinets and go through my closet and garage! Which I will do when I finish writing this!

I am always struggling with what to hold on to and what to let go of. In my home... and in my heart and life.

But decluttering just feels good. I long to live more simply and yet I still struggle with "should I really throw that out? I think I will use it" (though I haven't in years).

But back to the "really nice place to grow up" part. Yes, I am jumping from one thought to another and back again, but I'm still so thankful for my home on Goodale Road to this day and miss it. When I go back into my long-term memory storage bank it's filled with feelings of warmth and security. I will always be grateful to my parents for that. The house wouldn't be considered elaborate by any stretch of the imagination.... and I can hardly believe there was just one bathroom and for many years, no shower, just a bathtub. How did we all survive? In some ways I've become spoiled and a bit too expectant and impatient. One bathroom would still be considered a luxury in some parts of the world... even today.

Anyway.... off I go to do some more decluttering....

Just an early photo of my brother and me on our front steps. I just love those young faces!

life in and around my neck of the woods.... in the month of June

Norman .... too tired and hot to go squirrel chasing

Cardinal coming to drink

Norman in the garden after the rain

Pippa exploring the little stones

Always taking the time to give Norman a pat or slap!

Five carolina wren eggs in a nest made in my flower planter

Pippa being cute

Baby birds hatched and ready to be fed!

"Who are you? You're not my mom... and you don't have worms."

Fledgling escaping

The bird family's home in the planter

Another fledgling ready to move on with life

Back patio flowers

Pippa the explorer

Pippa 

Paislee..... always sweet and happy

Me

learn to let things go....

Live and Let Live

Learn to Let Go

These phrases are designed to help us keep peace and perspective and control in our lives.... not control of others, but control of our own personal emotions, tranquility, contentment and serenity.

Keeping a healthy balance is tough. For me anyway. It's something I have to work at and be aware of.

I was thinking about what it  means to Let Go... I know it doesn't mean we don't care. We care, but realize we can't fix things that aren't in our power, aren't our responsibility... and problems that aren't of our making.

There are many ways we can let go ...

Pay attention to what impacts your energy....

What drains me?

What rejuvenates me?

What exhausts me?

Depletes me?

What feeds me and charges me?

How do I feel when I eat certain foods?

Listen to my body.... emotions .... heart.

Let go of some things... i.e. people, places, activities, behaviors ....

And be gentle with yourself along the way.

turning off the noise

It's true. 

I don't know how young people do it. The times are so different today than they were when I was younger and raising my family. It was simpler. There were less distractions. Young people today are pulled in many directions and never quiet and still. It's been so noticeable to me lately how everyone is walking around looking at their phone as they shop, as they take a walk, as they drive (oh God I wish this weren't so), as they do just about anything.  The world has so many things trying to pull us in and taking up our time that if we do not make a conscious effort to make it stop we will fall into that hectic way of life also. 

I think there has to be a change of heart and lifestyle at some point. The hectic and fast pace just can't be sustained over time. Burnout comes. Broken relationships, unhappy, frustrated, angry people without any peace seem to be increasing.

Just something I feel... and sense.... 

I've had to just say no lately and turn off the noise that just feels so heavy.

Facebook used to be a fun way to interact and keep up with friends. More simple. It's not fun anymore. Although I've tried using the tools to eliminate some of the "noise" and numerous ads (without success), it's become another thing that needs decluttering in my life, i.e. sorting through the meaningful and irrelevant or negative and discouraging to make room for something much better. Do I really need to see every comment a friend has made somewhere else... or something they have "liked"? I'm sure they don't want to see mine either.... 

Sigh...

So that brings me back to my original thought....which is.... 

The simpler my life... the happier I become.

.... and I'm happily shutting things down.... and letting them go.....