thoughts on fathers... love for mine

Tomorrow is Father’s Day.

I'm blessed with a father who is a good man. The bad examples seem plentiful today but I have parents who have found a way to stick it out even when life gets hard and things aren't perfect.

I think one of the best things about my childhood is that it was normal. Not perfect, not rich, not poor. But I felt safe. And loved. Always loved. It truly has given me the ability to easily love in return.

My earliest memories of my dad involve visions of faithfulness. An early riser who always found ways to stay busy and productive. Laziness wasn't on exhibit in the home I grew up in. To me he seemed to always be digging something up in the yard, painting, working on the car, mowing, planting, chopping wood, building...fixing something….  then enjoying a sporting event on TV or taking a well-deserved nap. He is a man who showed me a good example of the value of hard work.

Some of my memories are vivid.

Like the one of him shoveling our long driveway after a snowstorm and sprinkling salt and sand so we wouldn't slip and get hurt, digging out the cars so he could leave for work even though school was called off and we all got to stay home.

Like when he and I went hunting for a Christmas tree one year and found a cedar in the woods and dragged it quite a distance home. After he put the lights on, we all decorated it like we did every year but boy did it smell wonderful!

Like how we would go to church every Sunday morning, stop for rolls and donuts (and the newspaper) on the way home and then eat bacon and egg sandwiches.

Like how I always felt safe as a little girl in the back seat of the car when my daddy was driving us home late at night after a visit to my grandparent's or aunt's house.

I am glad I had a faithful father who valued the right things in life because it made me want to value them too. My dad never wanted much "stuff" for himself. He always enjoyed the simple pleasures like a great cooked meal, wonderful dessert, family times with a beer, a fresh cup of coffee or nice glass of wine. A relaxing family vacation.  He loved… and loves… my beautiful wonderful mom and has been married to her for over 50 years.  I was always proud of him.  I still am.

Jenni and her grandpa

I know life wasn't always easy either as he worked hard to provide for his family, but his example of faithfulness and hard work is an invaluable gift he has given to me... And I will always be grateful.

Me and my dad

just a really good day

I’m so happy.  It was just a really good day.

My wonderful husband went to see a movie with his son, Eric, and I was left to myself…. and I am never one to be wanting for something to do.

When we moved into our home here in Austin 2 1/2 years ago we had rooms to fill and decorate.  I love making cozy-looking rooms that are comfortable for people to be in. One of my guest rooms was nice but the bed didn’t have a headboard.  My own bedroom was using the queen–sized headboard for our king-sized bed.  I looked high and low for a king-sized headboard that I liked, even looked at many ideas for making my own, but nothing seemed to work out just right.  And I was NOT going to spend hundreds of dollars on one.   Unfortunately that was the cost of those I really liked.

Today I went to a wonderful store in a nearby town that was filled with special furniture items.  NICE furniture… and I was on a quest.  And there it was.  The headboard I envisioned.  Simple.  Quality wood. And only $99! 

I bought it immediately… and it did the trick!

I took the queen-sized headboard from behind our king-sized bed and paired it with the footboard that has been stored in the garage and connected it to the guest room bed.  Yay!  Here it is!

We put the king-sized headboard with the king-sized bed!  Perfect!

I love when things work out!!

I even got to spend time with Jenni and take some pictures around town.  Really and truly… just a fun day!

I know.  I look awful.. but it was as hot as $#@% outside !!

And… did I mention, it was a really good day?!

:-)

Maintenance

Today is a maintenance day!! 

Boy do I need it!

I shutter to think what I would morph into if I didn't pluck, cut, trim, scrub, color, treat, shave, exfoliate, brush, moisturize, or condition anything.

I feel .... slightly.... renewed!

Even though

It was the beginning of August 2008.  Edd and I had been married a little over a year.  I was still living in San Antonio because I had a good job that I wasn’t ready to give up and Edd would never have asked me to.  He still had his condo and job in Austin.  So we had two homes and would go back and forth to both on various weekends.  We were making it work, but it wasn’t easy.  We wanted to live together in one house.  There were too many nights alone.

I still remember one particular night.  We were going to sleep and he said, “Tomorrow I have a doctor’s appointment.  A colonoscopy.  I want you to listen real close to what the doctor says afterwards because I will be drowsy… oh and I want to tell you, I’ve had a little bit of blood the last couple of weeks.” 

What?  Really?  I hadn’t known.

The next day we went for his appointment.  Afterwards the doctor handed me pictures and didn’t offer any explanation.  Yet.  I was left to myself with Edd still unawake.  I saw something in the photos taken that looked ugly.  Looked disturbing … and I was alarmed.  The doctor didn’t ease my fears. 
That is how it all began.  Almost 3 years ago.   It’s been a rocky road and a mixed bag of terror, hope, relief, anger, trust, grief, and despair.  We were ushered into the world of doctors, surgeries, endless appointments, specialists, procedures, decisions…. My faith has been  tested and shaken and questioned and clung to.  I’ve cried out to God as I have felt the life and hope drain out of me after hearing troubling news after troubling news.

And it’s changed me.  It’s changed us.  I still grieve what will never be.  I’ve heard we need to grieve the past, leave it there, and move forward but I am still clinging to the “what could have beens” and “what should have beens”.  I’m still in the midst of the storm and am trying to learn how to live there.
There are words I never would have heard had it not been for the cancer …. like….

I wouldn’t have missed being married to you for anything.
I know you say I’m not a burden, but I don’t want to abandon you.
Not many people get 10 years like we have.
You have half of my molecules.  If you left me I would be ripped apart.
I would rather have cancer and you, than not have cancer and not have you.
I am going to break your heart.  It's my only regret.

And words I seem to say every day.
How did I ever get so lucky to have you for my husband?
There’s just no one who could ever come close to you in my eyes.

The tears flow when I allow them to.  They are always there.  It just takes my thoughts a slight diversion and they come gushing out.  I realized that this morning.  I hold them in.  I’ve gotten very good at that.  I’ve thought that crying and thinking on what I miss is just not good for me. Focus on what IS.  Don’t feel sorry for yourself.  Well, maybe that’s why I am so stressed.  Maybe that is why my health and heart has suffered.  Maybe that is why I find it hard to sleep.  Maybe that is why my body hurts.

Edd and I talked this morning about the stresses of the past 3 months, no 6 months…

I realized he NEEDS to concentrate on these “get your affairs in order” type of issues.  He NEEDS to know we are taken care of.  He NEEDS to focus on these things.  It is just how he shows his love.  It’s how he’s made.  When I expressed my need for HIM he said with tears in his eyes… “all I do is for you….”  And I know it is… I feel it every day.  But it doesn’t make me happy.  It just breaks my heart.

BUT… my life, our life, is GOOD.  Every day it is GOOD.  It really is.  I’m thankful.  Very thankful.

Even though.


"I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Now

Seasons come.  Seasons go.   Right now we are in my least favorite season here in Texas.  Especially when there is a drought.  It’s just hot, hot, HOT every day without seemingly an end to it.  I THRIVE in the cool crisp air that comes with autumn.  My soul comes alive when the cool air finally swooshes through taking the hot, stuffy air of summer away with it to some far-off land.

But what if there wasn’t the brutal scorching heat of these summer days?  Would the fall breezes be as welcoming?  Would I delight as much if every day was a picture-perfect fresh assault to my senses?

I sometimes hear others say things like, “I can’t wait until the summer is over” or some version of “It will be nice when x, y, or z finally arrives.”

I understand it completely.  I’ve said it myself countless times.  But now I catch myself.  I’m trying to hurry up time.  I’m wanting it to speed along till the next better thing… But I really don’t want to hurry time along.  I want to enjoy NOW.  You see, there is a luxury in thinking you have all the time in the world.  There is a luxury in complaining about today and not living in it…not being present…  in thinking you have many, many bright tomorrows.

Looking forward to the future is a common human experience.  It brings us hope, and its sidekick comfort, knowing things rarely stay the same forever.  The winds of change come in and blow away the present hardship.  And yet… when you love someone with an illness that may take them away from you … and you see a season ahead without them, NOW takes on a new meaning. Now becomes very personal…. and precious.

Surely the challenges we face in life, the times of crisis are what build our character.  Our strength isn’t increased without the weights of life.  Our stamina and endurance doesn’t grow without the treadmill and elliptical experiences.  Depth of character doesn’t just happen all by itself without our permission.

We will all go through challenges, but what matters is how we deal with them when they come along.  Obviously I am not the first person to express that truth.. but really… will we have learned anything?  Can we use what we learned to help someone else?  Has it made us more compassionate?  Or generous?  Less selfish?  I have seen people become more beautiful with each pain they experience in life…. growing in strength, wisdom and beauty.  And sadly, others who become full of resentment and bitterness.

Tree outside my bedroom window in the fall…

I often go kicking and screaming into challenges!  Oh, God must not think me an easy student of life sometimes.  But our times are in His hands.  And TODAY is all any of us has.

One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living.  We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon - instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.  ~Dale Carnegie

We steal if we touch tomorrow.  It is God's.  ~Henry Ward Beecher

thank you seems insufficient… but THANK YOU!

We need to be angels for each other, to give each other strength and consolation. Because only when we fully realize that the cup of life is not only a cup of sorrow but also a cup of joy will we be able to drink it. ~ Henri Nouwen

I read this quote this morning and found it to be appropriate.
I can't even begin to express how much each and every comment has meant to me.  The kindness shown, words of understanding, hope and encouragement.  Promises of prayer.  Thank you ALL so much.  What a wise bunch you are.  Looks like we are all learning together, huh?

My spirit is renewed by a special group who has given me reason to believe that this world is full of incredible people who are having a gentle and loving impact in their places on the planet.

Thank you for touching mine.

P.S. Jenni is the “real deal” and a wonderful woman.  As beautiful on the inside as on the outside.  I hope you continue reading her blog and blogging yourselves.  You are a talented, creative, amazing bunch of people….

**

Living I love you

I love being able to express my thoughts, tell or teach little stories or life lessons, expound upon ideas and opinions about issues going on in the world. I love to delve into the deeper things life has to offer. I love to get under the surface, not just scratch the top layer.  But the truth is, I am mainly silent. I have lost my voice. Only time will tell whether I get it back. There is a closed-tight door between my heart and soul and this voice of mine right now. Some days I get glimpses of it again but mostly it fades away. The words are mainly stuck.  I have had to read others words for the time being and let them express how I feel because I can't seem to find my own.

My block comes in the form of a large wad of feelings and emotions that cause regular life to pale in the enormity of dealing with Edd's cancer. Watching him every day knowing things will not get better. I am a hopeful person. It goes against everything within me to think his health will not ultimately improve apart from a miracle from God.  It goes against the very way I live my life believing that things will get better and " this too shall pass."  But this won't. And yet saying it aloud makes me feel like I am giving up. And that too is contrary to my way of seeing problems and challenges and feels so …  wrong.

I ache as I see the man I fell so hard in love with. And I fell hard. I saw him so strong and large-and -in-charge in my world. He always made things better for me. I felt safe by his side. I felt loved and secure in his arms. I melted when his eyes met mine and he smiled at me and pulled me close. But I don’t always feel safe now and our dreams have been cut short. Our life together is not what we envisioned and I grieve it every day. The grief is unspoken but it is there. It touches me when I look over at him and see a man finding it hard to eat...yet trying to do all the right things.  A man taking chemo and medications that destroy his strength as sure as they strive to destroy the cancer cells. But he is stronger than ever in spirit. His courage. His inner resolve. His loyalty. His strength of character. His unselfishness.  It humbles me and brings me to my knees and breaks me. He still thinks of ME in the midst of it all.  Wanting to know, striving to make SURE, I will be okay no matter what.

With Edd I got to rest for a while.  After my divorce.  After a lot of upheaval, confusion and failure.  REST.  That’s how I felt when we were together.  I am so thankful for that period of rest.  Rest.  What a wonderful word.  I’ll never think of him without remembering that time of rest.

What if we didn’t have tears?  What if I couldn’t cry when my heart was breaking? What if I didn’t have that release of emotion?  God knew how important it would be.  For me.  For this moment in time.

Thank you God.

I don’t like to be the person in need.  I don’t like to be the one who doesn’t have the answers.
Maybe this is all too personal to write in my blog.  Maybe I should just keep all this to myself.  But it is me.  It is HUMAN.  It is what many before me and many after me will experience. 

Some may express their experience with words.  Some may stay silent.  I find silence to be a form of even greater suffering.  I may not shout all my feelings from the rooftop, but I can write some thoughts down and somehow that helps.  Somehow it lets the feelings out and sets me just a little bit free.  Maybe free enough to be creative and hopeful and strong for another day.

SAYING “I love you” isn’t as important as LIVING “I love you”.  I see “I love you” LIVED in front of me every day.  I want to live it too.