words beautifully expressed

“Sometimes I touch the things you used to touch, looking for echoes of your fingers.” ― Iain Thomas

“If nothing else, one day you can look someone straight in the eyes and say “But I lived through it. And it made me who I am today.”  - Iain Thomas

Some things we feel we won't live though.  But miraculously we do.  

~~~~~~~

I never used to take my turn.  I always gave my turn away.  I helped others have a great turn.  After they had all gotten a turn, then maybe I could go, if there was time and it didn't bother anyone.  Now I take my turn, as a radical act.  -Anne Lamott

I love this one…. and I've felt this way.  Felt I gave and gave and when I finally took my turn some people I thought cared rejected me and thought I had no right to take my turn.  That stung for a while.  But shame on those who don't let you take your turn.

~~~~~~~

...you really do not get over the biggest losses, you don't pass through grief in any organized way, and it takes years and infinitely more tears than people want to allot you. Yet the gift of grief is incalculable, in giving you back to yourself.    -Anne Lamott

This is something I could never imagine or anticipate.  In all my trying and working through, this timetable is not my own.  

~~~~~~~

“Someone you haven’t even met yet is wondering what it’d be like to know someone like you.”  - Iain Thomas

I remember being a little girl and thinking there was someone out there, somewhere, for me.  Before I even knew him or saw his face.  It was a mystery not yet revealed.  If we are alive there is still much mystery and sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone want to stay.

~~~~~~~

…. and yet the world keeps on spinning, and in our grief, rage, and fear a few people keep on loving us and showing up. It's all motion and stasis, change and stagnation.  Awful stuff happens and beautiful stuff happens, and it's all part of the big picture.  -Anne Lamott

And so it does… and so it is.

tending

I woke this morning with such gratitude.   

Life isn't perfect is it?  We can focus so intently sometimes on the worrisome parts of it that we don't embrace what is glorious and miraculous.  

Oh, it's true that the refrigerator isn't working right now.  Yeah, the one that is only a year old, but someone will repair it this week and I have another little one to keep food cold or frozen.  

I have little aches and pains and my body doesn't look like it did when I was younger, but I went to see the doctor last week and she calmed all my fears regarding my health (yes, I tend to worry) and even said my weight was fine and to keep doing what I'm doing with healthy eating and exercise.  I feel strong and healthy.

There are so many things that can bring us down and some people are going through very tough times… God knows I have been there…. but today I will glory in what is good and take time to just be grateful.    

The outdoors beckoned me this morning.  It will heat up to 100 degrees this afternoon… summer is still going strong... but the morning was so perfect to get out and get my hands dirty digging and replanting and trimming and watering.

Tending.

    What is it about a garden and seeing things living that is so soul satisfying?  

Might just be the nurturer in me….

So today, I'm tending.  Tending to my garden… and tending to gratitude.

evening thoughts

Life and all that swirls around us can seem so complicated sometimes.  Relationships, politics, world events, tragedies, who said what and why, intentions, motives, misunderstandings, assumptions, etc, etc.... When I find myself fretting that's when I need to put all these things in a big ol' pile and label it... "Things to give to God"  … I find such peace in being able to give Him all my pondering and the questions with unknown answers … and leave the mysteries of life in His hands.

This seeker doesn't have to know everything.  Not now.  I just have to do my part.  As much as I'm able I have to make one good choice after another.  Every time there is one to make.  Every day.

I was given a gift today.  A good friend told me what he valued most in a person.  Sweetness  ... and said that I exuded it.

Now I don't feel like I exude sweetness, but you know what?  If someone can see a quality of goodness in me I am happy with that.  I know it's only because of what I've been through and things I have learned.  You see... trials can make you hard or they can make you more present to life and what is most important.  They can make you put aside pride and ego and just let yourself be compassionate toward others.  Others who may not even deserve it.  I feel I've been through the fire and I am content that God knows and cares about my heart and the me that has traveled down my own unique road.  He knows all my thoughts and intentions.  I know I belong.

When Edd died ... and when my mom died... I lost the mirror I looked into to see the best parts of myself… the parts others who loved me best chose to see… a place I'd go for validation and worth.  Though in many real ways I still feel their love, I'm thankful for people who are still in my life who share what they see and have the kindness to tell me the good stuff.  We all need to know. 


“And every day, the world will drag you by the hand, yelling, “This is important! And this is important! And this is important! You need to worry about this! And this! And this!” And each day, it’s up to you to yank your hand back, put it on your heart and say, “No. This is what’s important.” —IAIN THOMAS

a proper burial

We all keep things that are important to us.  I have date books and calendars that I've saved from several years back.  I have emails from over ten years ago.   It was interesting when going through my mom's things after she passed away that she had quite a few past years' calendars too.  Part of it for me is not trusting my memory and wanting to ensure some events, thoughts and dates aren't lost forever.

But today I threw away a whole lot …. papers and notebooks that were filled, and I mean filled, with pages and pages of memories and instructions, thoughts and medical considerations…. so much mental activity written down during a time that was difficult in the extreme.  I was taking care of my love and he was going to lose his hold on life…. and so much of mine was going with him….

And today I threw most of it away.  Because it is done and over.  It is time to move forward from all that pain.  Though I haven't looked at those pages in a long time, I don't need to remember doctors' names, medications given, how much and when and what time.  I don't have to have a record of test results and their implications.   It happened.  I was present then, but I don't have to go back there anymore.  It all needs a proper burial.

Some things are sufficiently in my mind and if I forget some of it oh well.   Some I need to forget.  At least I've finally come to that point.  I don't want notebooks full of data or information that brings me back and I don't need to ensure it can be reached again if I forget.

But in reality what all of it shows me is just how much I loved.  How much I wanted to do everything as RIGHT as I could.   And when he was gone, I poured over documents and wrote more notes and tried to figure out and solve more problems.   And I did the best I could.  And that is enough.  I've given enough.   I am enough.  I'm content.

Life is an exercise in learning what to hold onto and what to let go.

I buried some things today.  I chose to let go…

friendship

I'd like to write more even at the risk of not having much to say. Because the more a person writes the better they get at it and the more you remember your ideas and thoughts each day.

Today my best friend, my longest friend, called me.  It's nice when your longest friend is still your best friend.  Maybe the two go together.  Maybe not.  At least the friendship has the luxury of knowing whether it will stand the test of time.  This one certainly has.

We've been friends through many ups and downs.  Some super-high ups and some horribly-low downs.  Real life.   Down in the dirt, get kicked around, wonder-if-it's-worth-getting-back-up-and-yet-you-brush-yourself-off kind of life.  

I was a bridesmaid in her wedding over 30 years ago and she was one in mine… my first marriage that is.  Once we were pregnant at the same time.  The nice thing about cultivating a friendship is that you never know what you will encounter down the road.  You think your friendship and life is just humming along, maybe not changing then BOOM, a major life event occurs and you can prove you're a friend by how you react … how you stick by each other.  How you offer support, show you care, help take the sting away… or you happily rejoice with them during highlights and successes.  Thankfully there are those too.

She had a rough day at work and spent most of our talk telling me about it.  When we were ready to hang up she apologized for talking so much about herself.  But I told her and it was the absolute truth that I was happy to listen and be an outlet for her… It helps to tell someone sometimes.  Almost like letting some of the air out of an over-inflated balloon; we need to decompress.  God knows I've needed her ear many times myself and she's never acted too busy to hear me out.

It's been her commitment and loyalty quite frankly that has made this friendship last and grow.  She is one of those people who takes the time to reach out, call, keep in touch.  I'm not so good even though she knows my heart toward her.   By this time she knows I care and I'm a forever friend.   We have to be!  We just know too much about each other!!

She recently sent this photo to me and I think it's just right.

productive day

There is something very satisfying about chopping up lots of fresh ingredients and throwing it all together with savory spices to create a wonderfully healthy meal.  I rarely eat store-bought meals already prepared anymore.   Even though I mostly cook for just myself I can still make a great recipe and either freeze some …. or have it for a few meals.  Leftovers are great.   Often I'll only make half of a recipe and then wish I had made the whole thing so I could either have more for later or share it.  

You can't beat a good curry and this one was just soooo good!  Recipe is below.

It was a productive day.

I finally was able to turn the electric off in my bedroom so I could add a light fixture to the ceiling fan.   I spent two days looking for the breaker to my room.  The fusebox in the garage had electrical cutoffs for everything in the house except the bedroom receptacles and lights.  Who knew there was a separate box outside?  

Proud of me.  It was an easy project after that.  Mostly.

Except now I can see all the dust more clearly!

Butternut Squash & Chickpea Coconut Curry (my own variation)
serves 8  (slow cooker recipe)

2 1/2 cups diced butternut squash
1 can organic chick peas
1 small onion, chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 can 13.5 ounce organic coconut milk (I used light)
1 bunch of fresh spinach, rinsed and roughly chopped (you could also use kale here)
1 1/2 cups peas
1-2 large tomatoes, diced
2 cups vegetable or chicken broth
3 tablespoons yellow curry powder (you can use your own blend of spices here, I just happen to have a premixed curry powder from a local indian grocery store that I love)
1 teaspoon kosher salt
handful of fresh cilantro, roughly chopped (save some for serving)

Cut the skin off the squash, remove seeds and cut into 1 inch square cubes. Add all of the ingredients to your slow cooker besides the peas and spinach. Cook on high for 6 hours. About 20-30 minutes before serving add in the peas and spinach, and give it a stir. If your sauce seems to be a bit too thin or watery when it is done cooking, you could make a quick mix of cornstarch and hot water and pour a tablespoon or two of the mixture into the crock pot, allow it to simmer a bit longer. This will thicken it right up.

Serve over brown basmati or jasmine rice topped with fresh cilantro, mint or basil and maybe even some shredded coconut.

life whispers

It's hard when you realize you just can't change a difficult situation belonging to someone you love. When you finally realize that it's beyond your control.  When you've tried and tried and given and given and have come near to losing your own health with worry  …. But it's true… you have to let go of it.

I guess you have to let those you love live life on their own terms.  As long as they know (and you know) the consequences are theirs too.

I have found that…. life whispers… and if you don't listen … it gets louder.    Some people aren't good at listening to whispers … Maybe they don't like to be that cautious.  They need adventure and risk.  But listening often keeps us from making bad choices.  Not always… ahhh… we learn from our mistakes too, but the times I've ignored the whispers, things did not go well.

And life is about choice.

We can't take on the heaviness that someone else has created by their wrong choices… We cannot take on the heaviness of their consequences.   Especially when we have given our all in trying to help and mentor and coach and … sometimes even rescue.  Our hearts will literally be torn up.  We can't sacrifice our life for someone who seems to want to waste theirs… as sad as that is…

Ah, but we can pray.   We can love and we can hope.  Situations can change, but usually it's not because of us.  It's because of something outside of our own influence and control.

God doesn't want us to lose our joy.  The joy that life is … and all that life contains!

So let's learn to let go.  Let's learn to say no.  And enough.  … And learn to listen to the whispers before they get too loud.