Thoughts for today

This blog has been good for sharing my thoughts and that's good. There have been some pretty serious things going on for a very long time. I think of little snippets I would like to write about but just don't get the time to expand the ideas much more than a sentence or two.

Been in the hospital with Edd since Thursday when after six hours of surgery we received the good news that all went well! I attribute that to the skill of a good surgeon and many, many prayers! Now for recovery which also has ups and downs but so far so good. We visitors have to put on these cheap plastic cover ups over our clothes and plastic gloves on our hands when entering his room...and let me tell you... when you are in the hot-flash age range as I am it's about as comfortable as having saran wrap on in the tropics!

After talking to one of my daughters a couple days ago I realized just how much this has effected others that I love in my life too. She said she missed me. I know she didn't just mean she missed my physical presence though that is part of it. But she missed my emotional presence. Being there. Available. Having time for others. She recognized that when I do have time I have to use it to take care of myself because even that has been neglected. There are others in my life that I love deeply and care about too. I just hope they know.....

So.... It was a good reminder that I also need to focus on other things. My husband is my life and joy but I need to stay involved with living and focusing outside the world of hospitals and specialists and illnesses. So does Edd.

And we will.

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Some thoughts

My mind and heart are full. I begin writing with some ambivalence because I'm uncertain what will come out. Hope, fear, love, gratitude, confusion, grief, anxiety, helplessness? I don't know which emotion reigns supreme right now. It's all a mishmash. How do you describe the feelings you experience when the person you love with all your heart suffers? When you see him unresponsive and you're alone? When you have no idea what the outcome will be? When all you can do is wait for answers... and wait... and wait.

Edd's seizure was a surprise. A terrifying surprise. Thank God for family. For those who show their love in such real and practical ways... At times I felt carried along. Not knowing what to do exactly but moving along anyway. All our days are numbered. They are in God's hand. That SHOULD give peace. But I'm not quite feeling it now. I've asked God to give me faith. To show me what I need to see. I've asked Him to fill me where I am empty...

August 15, 2003. That's the day our paths crossed. Our first date. It hasn't even been eight years. We talked this morning about how easy that first meeting was. How well we talked and how comfortable we felt with each other. I always felt safe with him. Months later my only fears revolved around how hard it would be to ever let him go if he decided to walk. But he never gave me any indication he wanted to. I just knew I'd be devastated if he did.

Nothing has changed in that regard. I know my life without him would be void of the best kind of love there is. A love that's rare and true and eternal. When we were in the hospital this weekend he said how much he loved me. Nothing new really but after assuring him of my love also he added sadly ... "but I'm broken...." But he is NOT. Not to me ... not in the ways that matter the most.

I wish I understood this. I wrestle with my faith. I wrestle with God's plan. I wrestle with our purpose in life. I wrestle to make sense of it all. I wrestle with why a loving God allows such pain to persist. I know Jesus says in this world we will have tribulation, but to be of good cheer because He has overcome the world... but I still wrestle with it all. I have seen angels though. Angels who strive to take away a measure of human suffering. I have also seen some with little compassion who have only added to the weight we're carrying. I do know that I want to be one of those who help ease the suffering of others. I believe it's one of the loftiest goals we can have in life.

Lest this become too long... I'll end now... Let this just be a snippet of what's on my mind today....

Getting things done

Today was good ... even though ..... There are circumstances that I wish could be different. But life is a mixed bag of things we consider good and things that are difficult to understand and accept. I started my day sitting in quiet thought and prayer. Prayer that I'd be able to plow through my mental list of items I just HAD to get done. Edd works so hard for us in spite of his health challenges and I had to take care of some things for him. Appointments. Dealing with medical staff and trying to get answers. I mentally prepared for my day and asked God to help me ... that others would be moved to help on our behalf. I quietly thought through the day ahead and saw it as a blank slate just waiting to be written on. The day was a gift. The gift of time. And I wanted to use it well.

God helped... and others were moved... and things got DONE!

I also spent most of the day methodically putting away Christmas. I had two trees left to dismantle and dismantle them I did! My nine-foot tree was challenging to put away. I'm positive the box it came in shrunk during the six weeks the tree stood majestically in our living room. No way was it going back in that cardboard box we carried it home in! After struggling with it for quite some time I packed it away with branches sticking up and out and ... phew.. is that thing heavy! I know for sure my massage therapist is going to have her work cut out for her tomorrow during my appointment! Bless her!

But I'm happy. My house is back in order and it wasn't as painful as I thought it would be to move on. In fact it was a joy! I'm happy with the results. I don't have trees in my dining room or living room anymore, but I have neatness and order ... which gives me a lot of satisfaction.




When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown

Difficult things take a long time, impossible things a little longer. ~André A. Jackson

Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use. ~Earl Nightingale


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Reluctance

I'm getting deep pangs of sadness as I ponder putting away the Christmas decorations this year. For some reason I want to hold onto the season just a little bit longer, savor the diversion from the regular routine of life. Yes, that must be a factor in the reluctance I have to let go of the holiday. It was just unexpectedly good. Partly because the presents were wonderful. Partly because it was fun to give and receive. Yes, the decorations were beautiful... but mostly I think because I felt happy inside and just thankful for all the togetherness... and family times. It felt like Christmas in my heart. Sadly, it isn't always so, but somehow this year was different. It was rich.

I sit here teary now as I think about taking down the tree... or trees since there are two to dismantle. I've had them up since the weekend after Thanksgiving. An extra long time this year. I just thoroughly enjoyed seeing the lights. From the trees inside to the lights outside. Pretty lights hung around the window and around the front door. Each night either Edd or I would plug them in and the Christmas tree would shine through the dining room window. It wasn't elaborate, but just enough to add a touch of beauty to our little place in the world. When it came time to go to bed one of us would go out the front door into the cold air and unplug all the brightness!


I had fun with the baking this year. I enjoyed wrapping presents. Oh, I stressed out like usual and fretted some about whether I got the right gifts for people and whether they would like them, if I got enough or if I got TOO much... but mostly I just enjoyed being able to give.


The memories will linger. Voices will echo in my mind and sights and scents will bring me back time and time again. My heart is soft right now. It's in a good place. It's OPEN. There are things that will stand out this year. Maybe they aren't that different from other Christmases, but I know that I really appreciated all the blessings that are in my life... today... right now.

Having the right person in your life to love and who loves you makes all the difference... in good times... and in hard times. I have the right person in my life.

Family. I love so very much my daughters. Having them here with their husbands for Christmas morning was just a very happy time.


I thought about my parents who have ALWAYS made Christmas special for me ever since I was a little girl. They still do. Hearing their voices over the phone saying Merry Christmas every year. Sending thoughtful gifts and goodies. I do wish we could be together more though.

Going with Edd to his mom's on Christmas day stands out too. It was the first time we spent all of Christmas Day together. It felt right. New Year's Eve with Edd's brother and wife was such fun too.

We aren't all perfect. No, none of us are, but I want to choose to see the best, encourage the best and keep Christmas love in my heart as long as I can.

Usually I can't wait to get back to "normal". To put Christmas away along with the stress and clutter. Today though I'm reluctant to step away and move on... but I will. I'll take down the trees and put the decorations into boxes and drag them back into the attic. But I will also cherish these special memories, hold them especially close... and be grateful.