Monday, January 10, 2011

Some thoughts

My mind and heart are full. I begin writing with some ambivalence because I'm uncertain what will come out. Hope, fear, love, gratitude, confusion, grief, anxiety, helplessness? I don't know which emotion reigns supreme right now. It's all a mishmash. How do you describe the feelings you experience when the person you love with all your heart suffers? When you see him unresponsive and you're alone? When you have no idea what the outcome will be? When all you can do is wait for answers... and wait... and wait.

Edd's seizure was a surprise. A terrifying surprise. Thank God for family. For those who show their love in such real and practical ways... At times I felt carried along. Not knowing what to do exactly but moving along anyway. All our days are numbered. They are in God's hand. That SHOULD give peace. But I'm not quite feeling it now. I've asked God to give me faith. To show me what I need to see. I've asked Him to fill me where I am empty...

August 15, 2003. That's the day our paths crossed. Our first date. It hasn't even been eight years. We talked this morning about how easy that first meeting was. How well we talked and how comfortable we felt with each other. I always felt safe with him. Months later my only fears revolved around how hard it would be to ever let him go if he decided to walk. But he never gave me any indication he wanted to. I just knew I'd be devastated if he did.

Nothing has changed in that regard. I know my life without him would be void of the best kind of love there is. A love that's rare and true and eternal. When we were in the hospital this weekend he said how much he loved me. Nothing new really but after assuring him of my love also he added sadly ... "but I'm broken...." But he is NOT. Not to me ... not in the ways that matter the most.

I wish I understood this. I wrestle with my faith. I wrestle with God's plan. I wrestle with our purpose in life. I wrestle to make sense of it all. I wrestle with why a loving God allows such pain to persist. I know Jesus says in this world we will have tribulation, but to be of good cheer because He has overcome the world... but I still wrestle with it all. I have seen angels though. Angels who strive to take away a measure of human suffering. I have also seen some with little compassion who have only added to the weight we're carrying. I do know that I want to be one of those who help ease the suffering of others. I believe it's one of the loftiest goals we can have in life.

Lest this become too long... I'll end now... Let this just be a snippet of what's on my mind today....


  1. Awww, Mom. I love you!

    That's all for now. :)

  2. Kathi - I've been curious what your next post was going to look like after all that happened with Edd.

    One of the things that struck me was how you described the love that you and Edd share together. It made me smile, it reminded me of me and Todd and it made my heart sing for you to know that you know that kind of love with him. (o:

    One of the things I have always enjoyed about you is your honesty. You are so vulnerable in it and I think that is such a lovely quality. I think most people don't have the courage and guts to be honest about where they wrestle. You wrestle in good and wonderful places and God permits us to do so. They are good and hard places to be and I love that you shared where you are at there. It makes me feel less alone in my own places of wrestling.

    You are an extraordinary woman Kathi. It's an honor to know you and to read here.

    Thinking of you and Edd.


  3. Thank you for the sweet comments... and love....... :-)

  4. Kathi,

    It is such a hard thing to watch a loved one suffering, being in a place where you don't know the outcome. Being as open as you are & letting others in to help you is such a blessing. Thank you again for sharing so honestly. None of us is alone if we let God help us to help each other.

  5. You and Edd are never far from my thoughts and prayers and you journey a difficult path together, but as you carry each other together in love through it!!