Some thoughts

My mind and heart are full. I begin writing with some ambivalence because I'm uncertain what will come out. Hope, fear, love, gratitude, confusion, grief, anxiety, helplessness? I don't know which emotion reigns supreme right now. It's all a mishmash. How do you describe the feelings you experience when the person you love with all your heart suffers? When you see him unresponsive and you're alone? When you have no idea what the outcome will be? When all you can do is wait for answers... and wait... and wait.

Edd's seizure was a surprise. A terrifying surprise. Thank God for family. For those who show their love in such real and practical ways... At times I felt carried along. Not knowing what to do exactly but moving along anyway. All our days are numbered. They are in God's hand. That SHOULD give peace. But I'm not quite feeling it now. I've asked God to give me faith. To show me what I need to see. I've asked Him to fill me where I am empty...

August 15, 2003. That's the day our paths crossed. Our first date. It hasn't even been eight years. We talked this morning about how easy that first meeting was. How well we talked and how comfortable we felt with each other. I always felt safe with him. Months later my only fears revolved around how hard it would be to ever let him go if he decided to walk. But he never gave me any indication he wanted to. I just knew I'd be devastated if he did.

Nothing has changed in that regard. I know my life without him would be void of the best kind of love there is. A love that's rare and true and eternal. When we were in the hospital this weekend he said how much he loved me. Nothing new really but after assuring him of my love also he added sadly ... "but I'm broken...." But he is NOT. Not to me ... not in the ways that matter the most.

I wish I understood this. I wrestle with my faith. I wrestle with God's plan. I wrestle with our purpose in life. I wrestle to make sense of it all. I wrestle with why a loving God allows such pain to persist. I know Jesus says in this world we will have tribulation, but to be of good cheer because He has overcome the world... but I still wrestle with it all. I have seen angels though. Angels who strive to take away a measure of human suffering. I have also seen some with little compassion who have only added to the weight we're carrying. I do know that I want to be one of those who help ease the suffering of others. I believe it's one of the loftiest goals we can have in life.

Lest this become too long... I'll end now... Let this just be a snippet of what's on my mind today....