Wednesday, March 2, 2011

end of the day thoughts...

Today while we were at the oncologist's office a nurse said to Edd. "It's nice to meet you. I've heard a lot about you." We looked at each other as if to say, "oh boy, what have you heard and yes, of course you've heard about me, I've been coming here for 2 1/2 years now"... but she then said, "You are a favorite around here!"

That I can understand.

Even in the middle of the harshest realities of life laughing sure can feel good. Though I know he doesn't always see it or understand it, Edd has the most amazing positive and unselfish attitude out of anyone I know. Not that he thinks everything will always be wonderful, but he CHOOSES to be happy. He CHOOSES to live his life in a positive way. He feels that the alternative is just unacceptable to a good life. "Who wants to live a life being sad all the time?" is what I've heard him say.

When Dr. Chadha entered the room and talked to Edd asking him this question or that, he also commented on his attitude and how upbeat he always is. Edd told him he used to be an angry person and weened himself off of that type of behavior saying it just does no good.

I enjoy spending time with Edd. I've actually learned so much from him. I've witnessed someone in pain and yet does not crumble and give up. I just don't think I'd be that strong. I wonder if I would have REALLY gotten to know him and seen what he is made of had it not been for this cancer.

As we sat in the various rooms today awaiting treatment we found things to laugh about. Dr. Chadha is always (way) late for his appointments and we laughed about how we might still be waiting in this room tomorrow morning... or maybe the cleaning crew will find us later tonight and let us out the locked front door to go home... or instead of peeing in the cup couldn't he just SPIT in it this time! Edd has such a fun dry sense of humor that has ALWAYS kept me laughing....

On the drive home he said something he's said before ... that if giving up the cancer meant giving up me, he'd keep the cancer and keep me. That I am the best thing that has happened to him. I told him I'd find it hard to give him up but would... if it meant his cancer would be gone too. Not sure why we have these talks, but they reflect a depth of love that we consider very special.

I'm finding peace in asking questions of God... finding peace even in my doubt and somehow finding faith and hope there. True faith. I read recently that "if you never questioned your beliefs, - you are just a puppet dancing to somebody's strings. If God had wanted your mindless obedience, you would've been created without mind and without free will. But you have both so you can come to God of your own accord. Just look at the lives of saints, - most of them had gone through a dark night of the soul, and that's why their faith was so strong. The path to true faith always goes through doubt. So ask those questions you've always been afraid to ask, and find the answers, and then your faith will become unshakable."

I don't know if my faith will ever be unshakable, but I know what a dark night of the soul feels like... and I hope God will help me to trust and rest even when I don't understand....


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