Friday, February 25, 2011

unfiltered thoughts

I sit now in the waiting room of the radiation department where the love of my life is receiving full radiation on his brain. The cancer has spread there. The news was devastating. One might think we would be used to horrid news by now but no, we are not. It still feels like a freight train hits us emotionally every time. Hard.

Even in the midst of great suffering there are moments of joy. Of understanding. Of peace. As Edd and I sat stunned, broken, and overwhelmed this week... we expressed our deepest thoughts, words we didn't want left unsaid. Love.

He knows this is hard on me and even in his pain he thinks of me. If the roles were reversed he knows he'd be in agony watching me go through treatments, bad news, and pain.  He wants to simplify our lives so we can spend more time together just enjoying one another. He got handed the "cancer card" one year into our marriage. Even though I am strong for him he knows my heart is breaking. I sometimes wonder how many times a heart can break and go on beating. Unfair.

I told him this morning that one of the most tragic outcomes from this experience would be if I lost my faith in God. At times I have felt all of this is senseless. That there is no purpose whatsoever except to break us down and torment us in some way. Because Edd loves me he has always taken my words seriously and he wants us to talk more about spiritual things together. Oneness.

He said for some reason he isn't afraid of losing his life. He said, "I believe there is an afterlife and I believe in Jesus and I believe that I will see my dad again".  I told him that because of his faith and words I believe I would also see him again if something were to happen to him. Joy.

Suffering. Maybe God has a reason for our suffering. Maybe one of his reasons is to purify us and make us more like Jesus....make us more fit for heaven. Burn up the  impurities in us and leave the gold. The pain in the process can be severe and I hope what is left has worth and a purpose...  and some peace and understanding... could He possibly be giving us a gift? One that has eternal significance and value? More than an easy life could give or teach us? Oh gosh, I don't know... How can I understand the purposes and mind of God? But I sure would like to think so... Faith.

2 comments:

  1. This made me cry... like, SOB. :/

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  2. I have tears. Lots of tears....

    Oh Kathi, I love you so.

    I have often felt tormented by God in my own version of pain and suffering. It has felt senseless. It makes me angry. I find myself telling God a lot that He has a lot of explaining to do some day. Maybe when I've been reunited with my mom and can see things as He does, I'll "get" why life had to feel so crappy sometimes. At least I hope that. It's hard to hope that He is really good sometimes.

    Your journey, your faith, your ability to find joy and peace and love in the midst of dealing with the cancer card that you've been dealt feels humbling to me.

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