bittersweet

I looked at fall a little differently today. I usually love to see the colored leaves and feel the cool air and I still see its beauty and richness, but today I also saw its coldness. It looked and felt lonely to me. It signaled the end of growth and new life. The opposite of spring.

Since living in the south I have probably loved fall more than ever because I welcome the end of hot oppressive summer temperatures, but fall is the transition into winter... and in many parts of the country winter can be brutal and harsh, long and frigid.

I looked at pictures of autumn and got a deeply lonely feeling. I felt a sad sort of longing. Maybe the feeling came from deep in my past memories when autumn ushered in cozy times of fireplace warmth and mugs of hot chocolate.... Or maybe the feeling was one of endings and change and moving on... which are things that have never exactly come easy to me.

But change comes. It is one thing we can always count on. Things don't stay the same. Just when you think things will always be just the way they are now life does a flip flop....autumn comes and then winter and ..... changes come ever so slowly... but surely.

So autumn seems bittersweet to me. Sort of how life has felt lately.

Bittersweet

I can do this

Today Edd is getting his second cyberknife treatment. The doctor will zap a few more tumors in his brain.  They make it all sound like routine, these doctors, nurses and technicians, but geeze, the brain! There is nothing casual or routine about it.

Edd is acting a little bit different. A little bit ... off maybe.  A little more emotional, a little more, in his words, fragile. He really needs reassurance ... And a lot of affection and love.

I can do that. I can give that.

He has always been the strong one. He was the one in control. I need to be that now.  And I will.

This man is my hero. He is like a good soldier going off to battle day after day. Standing tall.  He endures each new thing, each new development, each new procedure like a strong warrior.

He is my hero.

My tears are not flowing at the moment. There is too much time now for caring and holding and reassuring and sharing and expressing love. So much love.

I can do this.

keeping on....

This has been quite a week.  When it was still all in front of us it seemed liked a mountain to climb and even though we are not out of the woods yet, it's clear we are moving ahead one step at a time.    

Edd got the planning scans done for the cyber knife brain radiation he will be getting next week.  It is all very amazing what doctors can do these days.  Kind of scary... ok, very scary, but also great that there are more options for people than ever before.  We have encountered people who really care... or they sure act like they do!  

The week was one filled with many unknowns.  We still don't know what will happen with Edd's employment status at his workplace which was just bought out through a hostile takeover.  He's now on full time disability, but is still in transition and this takeover adds to the stresses that arise from unanswered questions.  We still remain hopeful though that after the dust settles we will be okay.  I am so grateful for those who lift us up to Heaven in prayer.  Boy do we need it.  Times like this you realize just how little power we have over situations that come up in our lives.

It was nice to make dinner last night with Jenni.

Nice for me to get out in my garden this morning and get my hands dirty.... (manicure this afternoon)....

There will be fears I'll most likely succumb to again (drat). Things I'll worry over.  Some things will come our way, and some things won't.  Some good.  Some not so good.  But I'll just keep trying to remember that God has a plan and I want to be a willing participant instead of a resister.... keep the line of communication open and keep trusting He'll take care of us.  And just keep loving each other through whatever comes.

Keep on sowing your seed, for you never know which will grow -- perhaps it all will.

-- Albert Einstein

Happiness is not a station you arrive at, but a manner of traveling.
-- Margaret B. Runbeck

It is the sweet, simple things of life which are the real ones after all. 
-- Laura Ingalls Wilder

thoughts for today

Why NOT us? Why not a big fat miracle? We aren't that different than anyone else who has asked God for healing.  We know he can. I am asking. Why NOT us?

I've been changed. Totally. I'll  never be the same. Did He have to completely break my heart into thousands of tiny pieces? Is that how hard I had become? Or was in danger of becoming? 

Appreciate. Don't take precious times, moments, for granted. Never feel entitled to anything. So much in life is a precious gift.

What if?  Just musing.  But what if what everyone believed DID come true? What if you believed in God and had faith he would bring you to heaven some day and He did! And what if you had no faith, no trust and believed in nothing... and you got... a great big NOTHING. What if you believed you'd be a star up in the sky... and that's just what you became.... I choose to believe in Jesus and his redemption.  I choose to believe God is real and loves me and has a bigger better brighter more fabulous future for me and my loved ones. Bigger than I could ever imagine.

It was a tough day. Sometimes we just have to be strong for someone else. Helping them to have the faith and hope to go on. And sometimes someone has to believe for us when our strength and hope is  hollow.  I am so glad for those who stand in the gap for me... It renews my faith and gives me strength to not lose heart.

happy moments

I wrote this back in July. Exactly three months ago. I never posted it. I don't know why, but I will today because it made me happy to read.

~~~~~~~~~~

I love the mornings when I stumble out of bed to click the coffee maker's "on" button. I enjoy the quietness of a new day beginning. Sometimes I begin the day alone sipping my coffee as I read or consider the day's "to do" list, but more often Edd and I drink coffee in bed and slowly wake with groggy conversation. It is a time to talk over silly dreams of the night, anything... and everything.

The end of the day though is equally nice. I love to prop myself up in bed with pillows and read or write and mull over the day jotting down some of my thoughts till I'm so tired I just can't keep my eyes open a second longer! I look forward to this peaceful time too.

Sandwiched in between these two events is the substance of the day. Today was full of.....

......Moments. Snapshots.

A call from Edd's mom...to me...asking how we were. It was nice to be able to say "very good!"

Special fun time with Jenni and Matthew feeding our faces with barbecued brisket, sausage and ribs...and Jenni's chocolate dream pie! Delish! How I LOVE those two!

Playing a fun dice game with them  ... And savoring family time together... my favorite.

A morning run to the store for some needed groceries and flowers for my outside planter.

Watching Wimbledon tennis and mopping the floor.

Somewhat worrying about Edd (as I made my macaroni and cheese) when he drove for the first time in six months to shop for bikes he wants to get for us! I never would have thought he'd be doing that a week ago as he was sooo sick in the hospital. Amazing.

Giving our beloved, old dachshund a warm soapy oatmeal bath.

I love you's said... many are said... but they are not just words. They mean "you are important to me" and "I am here for you" and "I am committed to you".

And many more moments too numerous to list.

~~~~~~~~~~

“The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family” Thomas Jefferson

“Use your precious moments to live life fully every single second of every single day.”
Marcia Wieder

“Kiss your life. Accept it, just as it is. Today. Now. So that those moments of happiness you're waiting for don't pass you by.”

ways to simplify

I am feeling like I need to get rid of excess baggage from my life so I'm looking for ways to simplify today.  To rest.  It was kind of a sad day.  Edd began full disability from work.  It was a day of thoughtful ponderings.   There are way too many things I have no control over so ...

I'll pray.  God wants me to.  I think He sometimes limits Himself based on my prayers.  So it's a privilege to pray and a responsibility.  But most of all it should give me peace.... But I'll have to ask for that too.

I'll cook a delicious but simple dinner of steak, baked potato and edamame.

I'll throw some things away or bring them to goodwill.  I can purge unnecessary gadgets that accumulate in junk drawers that are never used.

I'll read.  Not on the internet.  But a book I can hold in my hands and focus on.  And not be so distracted.

I'll stop comparing my life to someone (anyone) else's.

I'll cherish time spent with people I love whether in person, talking on the telephone or writing a letter.

I'll be cautious not to over-analyzing myself and everything and everyone. It's one thing to have self awareness.  It's another to be self absorbed.

I'll be grateful.

That ought to be enough for today.