Today

Thank you to those who left kind words..... I am not strong, but Edd's courage made me brave. Somehow I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other and trying to breathe.... Yesterday was unbelievable hard. Today was even harder. Soon when I can collect my thoughts I'll write a "real" post but for now, this is all I can do. As Edd would say when we were apart, "I feel half my molecules are missing" and they are...

My daughter, Jenni, wrote a heartfelt tribute to Edd yesterday. I'm not the only one heartbroken.

http://storyofmylifetheblog.blogspot.com/2012/03/edd.html

My hero

Edd and I had a very special love. We GOT each other. We knew what the other's heart really needed. We knew how to fill the empty places.

I learned so much from him. His quiet yet enormous strength was a constant inspiration to me yet broke my heart at the same time... wishing so much that he didn't have to be so strong. I tried hard to take the sting out of life's blows for him time and time again, but I couldn't fix this. I couldn't take it away. I couldn't make it better. Some things weren't meant to be.

Through his actions I witnessed courage and grace and dignity and humility and strength. I can only hope I will have a fraction of the character qualities he exhibited. He was the man who made me feel safe and cherished. He was and will always be my hero.

I lost him today. It still doesn't feel real. I am afraid to think how I'll feel when it does. Because now I am missing him and my heart is completely broken...

decisions

Today was a relatively peaceful day.  There was certainly work to be done but I made some decisions that I knew Edd would want me to make.  Sometimes that helps when I'm not sure exactly what to do.  I think of the decision he'd make if he knew what was happening.  I remembered back to many discussions we've had.  He was never someone unable or afraid to make a decision.  I want to be like that more.

When I went to the grocery store I even bought myself some flowers.  When we were dating he would bring me a bunch every other week.  He loved doing that so much.  He said he hoped he always would... even after we were married for years....  so today I bought them for myself.... from him.  Because he would have wanted me to.

There are so many decisions to make.  And none are easy.  But I will keep trying to make ones that bring peace and comfort and loving care.

someday... maybe

Someday... maybe... I'll be able to remember the joy without tears beginning to flow.  And there has been SO MUCH joy.

Someday... maybe... I'll be able to have coffee in the morning and not think of all the days gone by when we solved the problems of the world over cups of the stuff....

Someday... maybe... I'll be able to forget the sickness and remember the health.  Remember the awesome love affair we shared.

Someday... maybe... I'll be able to see the whole person again.  Before I had to give up little pieces.  One by one.

But right now... today... I'll love the pieces that remain.

Someday... maybe.... I'll be able to find answers in this suffering.  But I'm not seeking for meaning in all this anymore.  I've tried.  Hard.  And it hasn't come.  Maybe someday it will, but it will have to come find me.

realities

Today I am realizing something I've been doing.... trying to keep all of Edd with me.  I try to bring him back to reality when he says there are people visiting upstairs (when there aren't), or trying to tell him I am his wife Kathi if he loses perspective or recognition.  I keep trying to bring him into reality but I am seeing it's a bit of a losing cause ... so ... I need to let this go.  It's kind of a lonely thought, but I need to be at peace too, right?  And I can't keep fighting it ... because when you are fighting things in your mind there is no peace..... As long as he is content enough and not unhappy... it'll be ok....

This week has been better than my "shut down" week of last.  A volunteer came to stay with Edd while I went out to run errands and squeeze in a haircut.   Today Jenni came over with a simply DELICIOUS Shepherd's Pie that we gobbled up for lunch.... and brownies.....  

Chocolate!

Mmmm.....

And I have actually been able to sleep at night due to some med changes the doctors have made for him.

But I've been thinking about letting go and how I handle it.  How I handle it now and how I've handled it in the past.  It's an awfully hard thing isn't it?  

I wish I knew how to do it better (or do I?), but I guess there isn't any formula.  It takes time.  And in my case it usually takes a mini breakdown of sorts.   Like a good hard cry when you realize you are at the end of yourself and can't change what IS.  And that's what I did.... and that's the only way I was able to move just a tiny bit forward....  in accepting.  I guess I've thought that if I accept it all I will somehow lose my grasp on Edd.  Not true though... because he will always be a great presence in my life, and yet... it's still hard to let things you love dearly go... or change... 

The garden is beginning to bloom.  Flowers that I planted last spring that promised to come back the next year have indeed done so.  Days follow days and life is full of using what comes your way, appreciating and sharing the gifts... and accepting the realities that come along in the mix.

shut down

The scene as she bring him morning coffee.

Him: Your love goes right through me. 

Her: aww....that's so nice. 

Him: I feel it. 

Her: I'm really glad of that. 

Him: Don't know if that is said right, but I feel it. 

Her: That's really good because what good is love if you can't feel it? 

Him: yeah

About ten minutes later he tells her he is going to see where Kathi is.  

Things are always changing. Where is my stronghold?  Where is my foundation these days?  What never changes?  I have heard God never changes.  You know ... the same yesterday, today and forever.  Never a shifting shadow. I need to grab hold of that and hold tightly.  But I'm having trouble with the holding on part.

I've felt the need to shut down instead.  To shut down my emotions.  Sometimes you have to.  I am giving myself permission. There is only so much you can feel.

I used to think divorce was a little like death.  I grieved the loss of my first marriage for months, maybe years, before it actually took place.  But now I am grieving over this present loss even as I have him with me.  I feel I am being forced to let go a little bit every day whether I want to or not. 

 And pieces of my heart go at the same time.

***

still trusting

It was a good place.  We were happy and just beginning our life together when BAMO cancer hits and alters just about everything in our lives.  Those who know our story know it hasn't been an easy journey.  When you are in the middle of a situation you just go with the flow and do what you have to do and make the best of it.  I'm one of those survivor types who will alter my way of thinking to accept what IS... but someday when I look back I may think... "How did I ever get through that... ?"  Ah, only by the grace of God.

Letting go is hard.  Letting go of dreams and letting go of lovely things placed in your lap that you never thought you'd experience.  That's the way I felt.  I felt blessed and always... ALWAYS... so thankful... So WHY?  Why does God take away something you have shown only gratitude for?  That I don't understand.  Mystery.  But there is still gratitude in my heart for what was.

But I'm beginning to think this.  Is there anything more sacrificing?  Anything more you can give to express your love than helping someone to... well... get through a terminal illness?  Helping them and loving them till there is no more time to....  Loving them through the hardest and yet the most divine part of life?  Is this one of the greatest blessings I'm able to be involved in?   I'm not there yet, but it's still a question I've asked myself.   I hate it.. yet... am I seeing something I haven't before?  Oh, I wouldn't have chosen this... I want to change it if I could.... I'm being forced to accept it... But if it can't be changed.  If it won't be changed.  If it's not God's will that it change..... I'm weary of fighting it.  I'll just choose again to ... love.  Oh, yeah, and try not to fear....  Because I've heard that "Perfect love casts out fear...."   1 John 4:18

And now I'm rambling... I tend to do that.  I'm aware that this blog isn't for everyone.  Heck, I doubt I'd read it if I was going forward right now with a life free of some of these worries or big life questions.   But some ARE.  I've been seeing how we are all in this life together and human experiences are startlingly similar.  

I've known the way it feels to trust God because God is all you have.  So far He has been enough.  And I will continue to trust as I walk through the darkness unable to see what's ahead.... and tap into that peace that passes all understanding.