Monday, March 12, 2012

shut down

The scene as she bring him morning coffee.

Him: Your love goes right through me. 
Her: aww....that's so nice. 
Him: I feel it. 
Her: I'm really glad of that. 
Him: Don't know if that is said right, but I feel it. 
Her: That's really good because what good is love if you can't feel it? 
Him: yeah

About ten minutes later he tells her he is going to see where Kathi is.  

Things are always changing. Where is my stronghold?  Where is my foundation these days?  What never changes?  I have heard God never changes.  You know ... the same yesterday, today and forever.  Never a shifting shadow. I need to grab hold of that and hold tightly.  But I'm having trouble with the holding on part.

I've felt the need to shut down instead.  To shut down my emotions.  Sometimes you have to.  I am giving myself permission. There is only so much you can feel.

I used to think divorce was a little like death.  I grieved the loss of my first marriage for months, maybe years, before it actually took place.  But now I am grieving over this present loss even as I have him with me.  I feel I am being forced to let go a little bit every day whether I want to or not. 

 And pieces of my heart go at the same time.




  1. You did a good job of expressing how you feel. This is so hard to endure. You are doing what you can and that's the best thing you can do for now.
    It's too much for you don't worry about what anyone else thinks. Everyone has thier own way of handleing whatever pain they feel. Don't Hesitate to ask for help, ever. If they can help they will. If they can't find someone who can. You are doing everything right. Do whatever you gotta do. Everyone wll understand.

  2. Oh my brave friend. I wish I could feel some of it for you.

    All I have are tears.

  3. I think we all handle things in our own way. Whatever you're feeling is perfectly normal. We can put out a hand and try to help, but unfortunately, it's your journey. You've been so graceful (from what little I see) so far. Give yourself some credit. I've gone through troubled times when I behaved incredibly bad. Makes me ashamed even now. But we can switch gears, make things right, and move on. I have a card that reads: "Friend, you are a divine mingle-mangle of guts and stardust. So hang in there!" Consider it sent to you because it describes you and how you're feeling. Edd's spirit feels your love, even if his physical self is confused, so don't give up.

  4. Kathi you are so very brave to share so much of this journey you and Edd are on. It is such a hard thing to watch as someone loses little bits while you forget nothing. His soul knows your love, feels it every second. God is there, and you are holding on even if you can't quite feel it. Many hugs to you, tears with you, and prayers for you my friend.

  5. What could I say to bring some comfort? Maybe the fact that I am sure he knows that you love him and I am sure he loves you, as much as he can!

  6. Oh, Kathi, this was so beautiful...beautiful and sad and lovely. I think you certainly should "shut down" for however long you need...maybe a few hours, one day, days.....whatever, and then you will be able to handle everything again. I'm so glad you have your faith to help you, too.

  7. Kathi,
    Pieces of our heart, yes. And even during all you are going though you left such loving words for me. Thank you for your kindness, and please know not a day goes by you and Edd aren't in my prayers. You've had a romance and love for the ages...something not many ever have. Much love to you today...