Monday, March 5, 2012

still trusting

It was a good place.  We were happy and just beginning our life together when BAMO cancer hits and alters just about everything in our lives.  Those who know our story know it hasn't been an easy journey.  When you are in the middle of a situation you just go with the flow and do what you have to do and make the best of it.  I'm one of those survivor types who will alter my way of thinking to accept what IS... but someday when I look back I may think... "How did I ever get through that... ?"  Ah, only by the grace of God.

Letting go is hard.  Letting go of dreams and letting go of lovely things placed in your lap that you never thought you'd experience.  That's the way I felt.  I felt blessed and always... ALWAYS... so thankful... So WHY?  Why does God take away something you have shown only gratitude for?  That I don't understand.  Mystery.  But there is still gratitude in my heart for what was.

But I'm beginning to think this.  Is there anything more sacrificing?  Anything more you can give to express your love than helping someone to... well... get through a terminal illness?  Helping them and loving them till there is no more time to....  Loving them through the hardest and yet the most divine part of life?  Is this one of the greatest blessings I'm able to be involved in?   I'm not there yet, but it's still a question I've asked myself.   I hate it.. yet... am I seeing something I haven't before?  Oh, I wouldn't have chosen this... I want to change it if I could.... I'm being forced to accept it... But if it can't be changed.  If it won't be changed.  If it's not God's will that it change..... I'm weary of fighting it.  I'll just choose again to ... love.  Oh, yeah, and try not to fear....  Because I've heard that "Perfect love casts out fear...."   1 John 4:18

And now I'm rambling... I tend to do that.  I'm aware that this blog isn't for everyone.  Heck, I doubt I'd read it if I was going forward right now with a life free of some of these worries or big life questions.   But some ARE.  I've been seeing how we are all in this life together and human experiences are startlingly similar.  

I've known the way it feels to trust God because God is all you have.  So far He has been enough.  And I will continue to trust as I walk through the darkness unable to see what's ahead.... and tap into that peace that passes all understanding.


  1. Again, you are an inspiration, although I realize you'd rather not be in this position. None of us know what the future holds. But I'd like to believe that, come what may, I will handle adversity with the same dignity, grace, and absolute faith in my Heavenly Father that you have. Bless you both.

  2. You will get through, I know what it means, mom had it as well and it is hard but there is a silver lining somewhere!

  3. Dearest,
    I have thought of you so often in the last few days. And prayed for you. My heart feels much like yours but in a different way. Mine is Dad not my husband. You inspire me and you make me proud. Your words touch me. xoxo

  4. Sometimes I get so scared when I think about Kyle getting sick. He has a lot of health problems and way down, in the back of my mind, there is this prickling feeling that maybe we don't have as much time as I think we do. I know better than to borrow trouble but sometimes I borrow it anyway.

    For me, reading your blog is a reminder that God sees us through the darkest things, the things we can't imagine seeing through on our own. Praying for you both.

  5. Kathi, how well I recognize so much of what you write as being in my own heart at some point over the past 19+ years! Yes, when you look back over the enormity of it all, you will be amazed at the strength you found, and how you just keep moving forward knowing somewhere, even when you can't seem to find him, God is there. You help me more than you would ever guess.

  6. Kathy,
    You sure have a way with words. Cancer is such a horrible disease that affects so many people. I think you have amazing questions and I imagine someday you will have answers to them. Yet, like you said, this isn't something you would ever choose to go through.
    While you think some would not want to read your thoughts, I think the strength that you have because of your faith reaches out to so many people. You manage to try and see how God is going to use this situation for the good. That doesn't mean that you don't struggle as much as the next person going through this...but you realize this is only something God can bring you through.

    You are in my prayers.
    Philippians 4:13

  7. I know how you are feeling and how hard this is for you. I wish so much to help.. listening to you helps me understand what you are living with. I helps me and I hope it helps you to vent your feelings. I wish I could take your pain away, but I can share it so vent all you want. Thanks for sharing.