It was a good place. We were happy and just beginning our life together when BAMO cancer hits and alters just about everything in our lives. Those who know our story know it hasn't been an easy journey. When you are in the middle of a situation you just go with the flow and do what you have to do and make the best of it. I'm one of those survivor types who will alter my way of thinking to accept what IS... but someday when I look back I may think... "How did I ever get through that... ?" Ah, only by the grace of God.
Letting go is hard. Letting go of dreams and letting go of lovely things placed in your lap that you never thought you'd experience. That's the way I felt. I felt blessed and always... ALWAYS... so thankful... So WHY? Why does God take away something you have shown only gratitude for? That I don't understand. Mystery. But there is still gratitude in my heart for what was.
But I'm beginning to think this. Is there anything more sacrificing? Anything more you can give to express your love than helping someone to... well... get through a terminal illness? Helping them and loving them till there is no more time to.... Loving them through the hardest and yet the most divine part of life? Is this one of the greatest blessings I'm able to be involved in? I'm not there yet, but it's still a question I've asked myself. I hate it.. yet... am I seeing something I haven't before? Oh, I wouldn't have chosen this... I want to change it if I could.... I'm being forced to accept it... But if it can't be changed. If it won't be changed. If it's not God's will that it change..... I'm weary of fighting it. I'll just choose again to ... love. Oh, yeah, and try not to fear.... Because I've heard that "Perfect love casts out fear...." 1 John 4:18
And now I'm rambling... I tend to do that. I'm aware that this blog isn't for everyone. Heck, I doubt I'd read it if I was going forward right now with a life free of some of these worries or big life questions. But some ARE. I've been seeing how we are all in this life together and human experiences are startlingly similar.
I've known the way it feels to trust God because God is all you have. So far He has been enough. And I will continue to trust as I walk through the darkness unable to see what's ahead.... and tap into that peace that passes all understanding.