realities

Today I am realizing something I've been doing.... trying to keep all of Edd with me.  I try to bring him back to reality when he says there are people visiting upstairs (when there aren't), or trying to tell him I am his wife Kathi if he loses perspective or recognition.  I keep trying to bring him into reality but I am seeing it's a bit of a losing cause ... so ... I need to let this go.  It's kind of a lonely thought, but I need to be at peace too, right?  And I can't keep fighting it ... because when you are fighting things in your mind there is no peace..... As long as he is content enough and not unhappy... it'll be ok....

This week has been better than my "shut down" week of last.  A volunteer came to stay with Edd while I went out to run errands and squeeze in a haircut.   Today Jenni came over with a simply DELICIOUS Shepherd's Pie that we gobbled up for lunch.... and brownies.....  

Chocolate!

Mmmm.....

And I have actually been able to sleep at night due to some med changes the doctors have made for him.

But I've been thinking about letting go and how I handle it.  How I handle it now and how I've handled it in the past.  It's an awfully hard thing isn't it?  

I wish I knew how to do it better (or do I?), but I guess there isn't any formula.  It takes time.  And in my case it usually takes a mini breakdown of sorts.   Like a good hard cry when you realize you are at the end of yourself and can't change what IS.  And that's what I did.... and that's the only way I was able to move just a tiny bit forward....  in accepting.  I guess I've thought that if I accept it all I will somehow lose my grasp on Edd.  Not true though... because he will always be a great presence in my life, and yet... it's still hard to let things you love dearly go... or change... 

The garden is beginning to bloom.  Flowers that I planted last spring that promised to come back the next year have indeed done so.  Days follow days and life is full of using what comes your way, appreciating and sharing the gifts... and accepting the realities that come along in the mix.