Wednesday, March 14, 2012


Today I am realizing something I've been doing.... trying to keep all of Edd with me.  I try to bring him back to reality when he says there are people visiting upstairs (when there aren't), or trying to tell him I am his wife Kathi if he loses perspective or recognition.  I keep trying to bring him into reality but I am seeing it's a bit of a losing cause ... so ... I need to let this go.  It's kind of a lonely thought, but I need to be at peace too, right?  And I can't keep fighting it ... because when you are fighting things in your mind there is no peace..... As long as he is content enough and not unhappy... it'll be ok....

This week has been better than my "shut down" week of last.  A volunteer came to stay with Edd while I went out to run errands and squeeze in a haircut.   Today Jenni came over with a simply DELICIOUS Shepherd's Pie that we gobbled up for lunch.... and brownies.....  


And I have actually been able to sleep at night due to some med changes the doctors have made for him.

But I've been thinking about letting go and how I handle it.  How I handle it now and how I've handled it in the past.  It's an awfully hard thing isn't it?  

I wish I knew how to do it better (or do I?), but I guess there isn't any formula.  It takes time.  And in my case it usually takes a mini breakdown of sorts.   Like a good hard cry when you realize you are at the end of yourself and can't change what IS.  And that's what I did.... and that's the only way I was able to move just a tiny bit forward....  in accepting.  I guess I've thought that if I accept it all I will somehow lose my grasp on Edd.  Not true though... because he will always be a great presence in my life, and yet... it's still hard to let things you love dearly go... or change... 

The garden is beginning to bloom.  Flowers that I planted last spring that promised to come back the next year have indeed done so.  Days follow days and life is full of using what comes your way, appreciating and sharing the gifts... and accepting the realities that come along in the mix.


  1. Hugs to you Kathi, it is indeed a HARD thing to let go! When my mother had Alzheimers it was like every so often I realized that she was not the mother I remembered, but she was still the mother I loved. Crying is like giving all those shattered dreams a way to melt away a little at a time. Watching someone losing abilities and being unable to stop it or help it is so very frustrating.

    I love your flowers, too!

  2. I see that you have lavender in your garden.
    :) :)

    You & yours remain in my prayers.
    Sometimes I wish I could wrap them up & give them to you so you would know how much I mean it.
    If I was close, I would bake something & bring it over.
    Although it doesn't look like much could compare with the Shepherds Pie or the brownies!

    Thank you for always sharing.
    Much love & ((hugs))!!

  3. You are learning what works best for you both and doing a good job too.

    Give Jenni a big hug from me. I she's know she's hurting for you too and she is a joy and a comfort to you.


  4. It is not easy, I am aware of that! But I know that you are doing a great job, be sure of that. Sending you many many hugs!

  5. Glad you liked the shepherd's pie and brownies. :) I'm sorry your forced to have to give some things up... I wish it didn't have to be that way for you. But I think you're doing the right thing. Love you mom!!

  6. Well first of all I think your daughter kind of saved the day with her shepherd's pie and the brownies. Funny how things like that happen just when you need them most. I admire your perspective, and your acceptance. I know it's hard (I'm very stubborn and it takes a lot for me to accept things that I don't like) but you're so smart to understand that it will bring you peace and help you get through the days without so much angst. How lovely that you have lavender in your garden! I love little sleep pillows filled with lavender - so relaxing and lovely.

  7. Thinking of you...just wanted you to know...I'm still officially 'off', but always thinking and praying. For all you should need.


  8. Thinking of you and always keeping you and Edd in my prayers....Letting go and acceptance so very hard to do....peace and serenity my friend! Love,Joan

  9. You're so sweet, Kathi. I believe a good cry is always beneficial, no matter how many times it's needed.