Top things I want to do instead of spending my time on other things that are not bad things but are getting in the way of things I need to do that may be more important than.... yeah... here are some of them... sheesh!
Read. Something interesting... something more calculating than just surfing the net. I have GREAT books I've bought in the last year laying around that I haven't read yet! I need to! I want to! Don't I? Yeah, I do.
Exercise. I will feel sooo much better about myself.
Eat more healthy... and lighter. See above.
Spend more time connecting with people I love... and miss... and appreciate.
Learn something new. Could I learn one new thing every day... and remember it? That's the key. I forget things easily... I need to make a conscious effort to remember .... hmm... maybe I'll start a "Here's what I learned new today" list. Dorky... but so... ME.
Stop putting off the projects I need to do... redo the shower, clean the closet, get rid of the clothes we NEVER wear, buy that new front door we need, get lawn service to pull some bushes and dump some dirt, get some painting done... yeah, that would feel good.
What a nice day... nice that I can sit down and think happy thoughts and enjoy life. Nice that I can sit here drinkinig my coffee and meditate on what it means to be content.... Nice that right this very moment all seems well in the world. Nice that inspite of all the challenges we face in life God still gives days full of peace and hope. I am very blessed.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
end of the day thoughts...
Today while we were at the oncologist's office a nurse said to Edd. "It's nice to meet you. I've heard a lot about you." We looked at each other as if to say, "oh boy, what have you heard and yes, of course you've heard about me, I've been coming here for 2 1/2 years now"... but she then said, "You are a favorite around here!"
That I can understand.
Even in the middle of the harshest realities of life laughing sure can feel good. Though I know he doesn't always see it or understand it, Edd has the most amazing positive and unselfish attitude out of anyone I know. Not that he thinks everything will always be wonderful, but he CHOOSES to be happy. He CHOOSES to live his life in a positive way. He feels that the alternative is just unacceptable to a good life. "Who wants to live a life being sad all the time?" is what I've heard him say.
When Dr. Chadha entered the room and talked to Edd asking him this question or that, he also commented on his attitude and how upbeat he always is. Edd told him he used to be an angry person and weened himself off of that type of behavior saying it just does no good.
I enjoy spending time with Edd. I've actually learned so much from him. I've witnessed someone in pain and yet does not crumble and give up. I just don't think I'd be that strong. I wonder if I would have REALLY gotten to know him and seen what he is made of had it not been for this cancer.
As we sat in the various rooms today awaiting treatment we found things to laugh about. Dr. Chadha is always (way) late for his appointments and we laughed about how we might still be waiting in this room tomorrow morning... or maybe the cleaning crew will find us later tonight and let us out the locked front door to go home... or instead of peeing in the cup couldn't he just SPIT in it this time! Edd has such a fun dry sense of humor that has ALWAYS kept me laughing....
On the drive home he said something he's said before ... that if giving up the cancer meant giving up me, he'd keep the cancer and keep me. That I am the best thing that has happened to him. I told him I'd find it hard to give him up but would... if it meant his cancer would be gone too. Not sure why we have these talks, but they reflect a depth of love that we consider very special.
I'm finding peace in asking questions of God... finding peace even in my doubt and somehow finding faith and hope there. True faith. I read recently that "if you never questioned your beliefs, - you are just a puppet dancing to somebody's strings. If God had wanted your mindless obedience, you would've been created without mind and without free will. But you have both so you can come to God of your own accord. Just look at the lives of saints, - most of them had gone through a dark night of the soul, and that's why their faith was so strong. The path to true faith always goes through doubt. So ask those questions you've always been afraid to ask, and find the answers, and then your faith will become unshakable."
I don't know if my faith will ever be unshakable, but I know what a dark night of the soul feels like... and I hope God will help me to trust and rest even when I don't understand....
**
That I can understand.
Even in the middle of the harshest realities of life laughing sure can feel good. Though I know he doesn't always see it or understand it, Edd has the most amazing positive and unselfish attitude out of anyone I know. Not that he thinks everything will always be wonderful, but he CHOOSES to be happy. He CHOOSES to live his life in a positive way. He feels that the alternative is just unacceptable to a good life. "Who wants to live a life being sad all the time?" is what I've heard him say.
When Dr. Chadha entered the room and talked to Edd asking him this question or that, he also commented on his attitude and how upbeat he always is. Edd told him he used to be an angry person and weened himself off of that type of behavior saying it just does no good.
I enjoy spending time with Edd. I've actually learned so much from him. I've witnessed someone in pain and yet does not crumble and give up. I just don't think I'd be that strong. I wonder if I would have REALLY gotten to know him and seen what he is made of had it not been for this cancer.
As we sat in the various rooms today awaiting treatment we found things to laugh about. Dr. Chadha is always (way) late for his appointments and we laughed about how we might still be waiting in this room tomorrow morning... or maybe the cleaning crew will find us later tonight and let us out the locked front door to go home... or instead of peeing in the cup couldn't he just SPIT in it this time! Edd has such a fun dry sense of humor that has ALWAYS kept me laughing....
On the drive home he said something he's said before ... that if giving up the cancer meant giving up me, he'd keep the cancer and keep me. That I am the best thing that has happened to him. I told him I'd find it hard to give him up but would... if it meant his cancer would be gone too. Not sure why we have these talks, but they reflect a depth of love that we consider very special.
I'm finding peace in asking questions of God... finding peace even in my doubt and somehow finding faith and hope there. True faith. I read recently that "if you never questioned your beliefs, - you are just a puppet dancing to somebody's strings. If God had wanted your mindless obedience, you would've been created without mind and without free will. But you have both so you can come to God of your own accord. Just look at the lives of saints, - most of them had gone through a dark night of the soul, and that's why their faith was so strong. The path to true faith always goes through doubt. So ask those questions you've always been afraid to ask, and find the answers, and then your faith will become unshakable."
I don't know if my faith will ever be unshakable, but I know what a dark night of the soul feels like... and I hope God will help me to trust and rest even when I don't understand....
**
Friday, February 25, 2011
unfiltered thoughts
I sit now in the waiting room of the radiation department where the love of my life is receiving full radiation on his brain. The cancer has spread there. The news was devastating. One might think we would be used to horrid news by now but no, we are not. It still feels like a freight train hits us emotionally every time. Hard.
Even in the midst of great suffering there are moments of joy. Of understanding. Of peace. As Edd and I sat stunned, broken, and overwhelmed this week... we expressed our deepest thoughts, words we didn't want left unsaid. Love.
He knows this is hard on me and even in his pain he thinks of me. If the roles were reversed he knows he'd be in agony watching me go through treatments, bad news, and pain. He wants to simplify our lives so we can spend more time together just enjoying one another. He got handed the "cancer card" one year into our marriage. Even though I am strong for him he knows my heart is breaking. I sometimes wonder how many times a heart can break and go on beating. Unfair.
I told him this morning that one of the most tragic outcomes from this experience would be if I lost my faith in God. At times I have felt all of this is senseless. That there is no purpose whatsoever except to break us down and torment us in some way. Because Edd loves me he has always taken my words seriously and he wants us to talk more about spiritual things together. Oneness.
He said for some reason he isn't afraid of losing his life. He said, "I believe there is an afterlife and I believe in Jesus and I believe that I will see my dad again". I told him that because of his faith and words I believe I would also see him again if something were to happen to him. Joy.
Suffering. Maybe God has a reason for our suffering. Maybe one of his reasons is to purify us and make us more like Jesus....make us more fit for heaven. Burn up the impurities in us and leave the gold. The pain in the process can be severe and I hope what is left has worth and a purpose... and some peace and understanding... could He possibly be giving us a gift? One that has eternal significance and value? More than an easy life could give or teach us? Oh gosh, I don't know... How can I understand the purposes and mind of God? But I sure would like to think so... Faith.
Even in the midst of great suffering there are moments of joy. Of understanding. Of peace. As Edd and I sat stunned, broken, and overwhelmed this week... we expressed our deepest thoughts, words we didn't want left unsaid. Love.
He knows this is hard on me and even in his pain he thinks of me. If the roles were reversed he knows he'd be in agony watching me go through treatments, bad news, and pain. He wants to simplify our lives so we can spend more time together just enjoying one another. He got handed the "cancer card" one year into our marriage. Even though I am strong for him he knows my heart is breaking. I sometimes wonder how many times a heart can break and go on beating. Unfair.
I told him this morning that one of the most tragic outcomes from this experience would be if I lost my faith in God. At times I have felt all of this is senseless. That there is no purpose whatsoever except to break us down and torment us in some way. Because Edd loves me he has always taken my words seriously and he wants us to talk more about spiritual things together. Oneness.
He said for some reason he isn't afraid of losing his life. He said, "I believe there is an afterlife and I believe in Jesus and I believe that I will see my dad again". I told him that because of his faith and words I believe I would also see him again if something were to happen to him. Joy.
Suffering. Maybe God has a reason for our suffering. Maybe one of his reasons is to purify us and make us more like Jesus....make us more fit for heaven. Burn up the impurities in us and leave the gold. The pain in the process can be severe and I hope what is left has worth and a purpose... and some peace and understanding... could He possibly be giving us a gift? One that has eternal significance and value? More than an easy life could give or teach us? Oh gosh, I don't know... How can I understand the purposes and mind of God? But I sure would like to think so... Faith.
Friday, February 18, 2011
animal lover? ... or not
I am an animal lover, but I'm now thinking maybe my love doesn't run too deep. I prefer animals, wild ones anyway, to live OUTSIDE of my house! And even then I'd rather they don't linger too long in the back yard!
To be more specific. Raccoons. After some observation, discussion, and research on the Internet, we've come to the conclusion that the scratching, heavy scurrying, and thumping noises above our heads at night belong to a raccoon who is trying to make our attic his (or probably her) new home! Well let me tell you, THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!
Having heard the raccoon the night before, we prepared the next evening to have a radio playing in the attic tuned to "talk radio" to keep him away. Since that would keep ME away I figured it might keep away the raccoon! Well, it didn't. Apparently he was sleeping all day in the comfy attic and was already there... so the radio wasn't going to keep him out. Darn.
We hadn't laid down more than ten minutes when we began to hear scratchy moving-around sounds. Knowing we couldn't sleep with that going on over our heads we reluctantly retreated to another bedroom upstairs to sleep. And let me tell you WE LOVE OUR COMFORTABLE LUXURIOUS KING-SIZED BED! Having to leave it was not making me happy! But we did... and we still heard the noises! (that raccoon was getting around).... so we moved again out into the family room with blankets and pillows! I think I may now have become a strong death- penalty advocate!!! This morning I have three beds and two couches to straighten up!!! And I'm pretty sure that raccoon is sleeping peacefully after his nocturnal roaming! BUT HIS DAYS ARE NUMBERED!!
My wonderful husband wouldn't bat an eye at calling a professional and paying them to get rid of this pesky critter, but I on the other hand (being the insane, do-it-yourself-and-save-a-buck type) went to Cabela's today to get a raccoon trap to try to catch him. If we do (AND WE WILL) we'll then put him in the back of the Tahoe and let him loose at least 20 miles in another direction....Or call animal control to take him away... At least that's the plan. Unfortunately experience tells me that hmm... plans can change.
Ha! We shall see what the day and night will bring!!
**
Thursday, February 17, 2011
a few morning thoughts
Some recent thoughts...
**** I think I'm finally allowing myself to be human and imperfect. I am enjoying looking at life more simply and allowing myself to be in the NOW... not be so "caught up" in things that don't really matter. Edd told me years ago to let stress just flow over me like the waves of the ocean and let it go... Now there are certainly gigantic stresses that come... but I suppose I'll learn in time how to deal with them too.
**** I've decided all my hope needs to be in the LORD. And believe me I do a LOT of hoping. Hope my husband's cancer stays under control (or how about GOES AWAY?!) Hope the people I love stay well and safe. Hope, hope, hope. Hope is a wonderful thing. But it occurred to me that it should be in God... so now when I feel scared or anxious about anything I pray "My hope is in the Lord"... and that seems to help.. because (alas) I am NOT in control of everything. God is. And I must place my hope in Him. I believe it's the right place for my hope to be.
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. Ps. 62:5
We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. Ps. 33:20
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Rom. 15:13
**** Drinking coffee is sure to give me a hot flash. Damn. I love coffee. Oh, and wine too... Sheesh!
**** I think I'm finally allowing myself to be human and imperfect. I am enjoying looking at life more simply and allowing myself to be in the NOW... not be so "caught up" in things that don't really matter. Edd told me years ago to let stress just flow over me like the waves of the ocean and let it go... Now there are certainly gigantic stresses that come... but I suppose I'll learn in time how to deal with them too.
**** I've decided all my hope needs to be in the LORD. And believe me I do a LOT of hoping. Hope my husband's cancer stays under control (or how about GOES AWAY?!) Hope the people I love stay well and safe. Hope, hope, hope. Hope is a wonderful thing. But it occurred to me that it should be in God... so now when I feel scared or anxious about anything I pray "My hope is in the Lord"... and that seems to help.. because (alas) I am NOT in control of everything. God is. And I must place my hope in Him. I believe it's the right place for my hope to be.
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. Ps. 62:5
We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. Ps. 33:20
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Rom. 15:13
**** Drinking coffee is sure to give me a hot flash. Damn. I love coffee. Oh, and wine too... Sheesh!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Handbook for a Happy Life
Sometimes you read something that really clicks with you and you want to shout YES!! This did it for me today and I just want to post it and have it saved and ... remember...
Handbook for a Happy Life
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did last year.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minute walk daily. And while you walk, smile.
Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or worry about things you cannot control.
13. Don't over do it. Know your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind or be reminded. That will ruin the present.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Life is a school and you are here to learn lessons that last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree...
25. You don't have to attend every argument that you are invited to...
Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will.. Stay in touch.
Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When you awake alive in the morning, realize God is not finished with you.
*
Handbook for a Happy Life
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did last year.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minute walk daily. And while you walk, smile.
Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or worry about things you cannot control.
13. Don't over do it. Know your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind or be reminded. That will ruin the present.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Life is a school and you are here to learn lessons that last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree...
25. You don't have to attend every argument that you are invited to...
Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will.. Stay in touch.
Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When you awake alive in the morning, realize God is not finished with you.
*
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
De-stressing
Doing some of my favorite things this afternoon...
Enjoying the warm fireplace on a cold day
Baking
Sipping coffee and a homemade blueberry muffin
Writing
Reading
Simple things, huh?
The morning found me back at my physical therapy appointment. Although the heat, ultrasound, massage, stretching and well-trained techniques of the therapist are HEAVENLY, they really aren't healing me thoroughly... meaning.. I still have pain. The pain and limited movement of my neck remains. My doctor demonstrated by just a light touch on an area of my neck that the joint is also damaged. Exercise can help train the joint to move and wear in the right ways. My next session will be deeper and more painful but also touch those small muscles around the joint that need to be worked.
Stress.
Goes to show you that stress has to go somewhere. I seem to handle my stress well on the outside, but the tension no one can see is accumulating in my neck! Between learning how to handle stress, physical therapy, and exercise I should get relief from this nagging problem, but it's not going to happen over night.
My doctor today was talking to me about releasing grief and the big stresses of life. We all have them from time to time. I was glad to know there are people in the world who understand. Having the tools and techniques needed during stressful times is valuable. The better I take care of myself, the better I can help take care of others too. Sheesh... you live and learn. I know I am never going to stop learning as long as I'm alive.
Today I am feeling the luxury of being home after confronting the cold and windy morning. My doctor also suggested I wear a neck warmer when I can... so I am. It is filled with natural grain and lavender oil. Mmmm....
I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but TODAY is a day of exhaling and breathing, and peace.
Don't let your mind bully your body into believing it must carry the burden of its worries. ~Astrid Alauda
There must be quite a few things that a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them. ~Sylvia Plath
*
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