shut down

The scene as she bring him morning coffee.

Him: Your love goes right through me. 

Her: aww....that's so nice. 

Him: I feel it. 

Her: I'm really glad of that. 

Him: Don't know if that is said right, but I feel it. 

Her: That's really good because what good is love if you can't feel it? 

Him: yeah

About ten minutes later he tells her he is going to see where Kathi is.  

Things are always changing. Where is my stronghold?  Where is my foundation these days?  What never changes?  I have heard God never changes.  You know ... the same yesterday, today and forever.  Never a shifting shadow. I need to grab hold of that and hold tightly.  But I'm having trouble with the holding on part.

I've felt the need to shut down instead.  To shut down my emotions.  Sometimes you have to.  I am giving myself permission. There is only so much you can feel.

I used to think divorce was a little like death.  I grieved the loss of my first marriage for months, maybe years, before it actually took place.  But now I am grieving over this present loss even as I have him with me.  I feel I am being forced to let go a little bit every day whether I want to or not. 

 And pieces of my heart go at the same time.

***

still trusting

It was a good place.  We were happy and just beginning our life together when BAMO cancer hits and alters just about everything in our lives.  Those who know our story know it hasn't been an easy journey.  When you are in the middle of a situation you just go with the flow and do what you have to do and make the best of it.  I'm one of those survivor types who will alter my way of thinking to accept what IS... but someday when I look back I may think... "How did I ever get through that... ?"  Ah, only by the grace of God.

Letting go is hard.  Letting go of dreams and letting go of lovely things placed in your lap that you never thought you'd experience.  That's the way I felt.  I felt blessed and always... ALWAYS... so thankful... So WHY?  Why does God take away something you have shown only gratitude for?  That I don't understand.  Mystery.  But there is still gratitude in my heart for what was.

But I'm beginning to think this.  Is there anything more sacrificing?  Anything more you can give to express your love than helping someone to... well... get through a terminal illness?  Helping them and loving them till there is no more time to....  Loving them through the hardest and yet the most divine part of life?  Is this one of the greatest blessings I'm able to be involved in?   I'm not there yet, but it's still a question I've asked myself.   I hate it.. yet... am I seeing something I haven't before?  Oh, I wouldn't have chosen this... I want to change it if I could.... I'm being forced to accept it... But if it can't be changed.  If it won't be changed.  If it's not God's will that it change..... I'm weary of fighting it.  I'll just choose again to ... love.  Oh, yeah, and try not to fear....  Because I've heard that "Perfect love casts out fear...."   1 John 4:18

And now I'm rambling... I tend to do that.  I'm aware that this blog isn't for everyone.  Heck, I doubt I'd read it if I was going forward right now with a life free of some of these worries or big life questions.   But some ARE.  I've been seeing how we are all in this life together and human experiences are startlingly similar.  

I've known the way it feels to trust God because God is all you have.  So far He has been enough.  And I will continue to trust as I walk through the darkness unable to see what's ahead.... and tap into that peace that passes all understanding.

remembering

I'd like to pour out my heart.  I'd like to say how hard this is.  I am in a bit of denial.  Thinking this is somehow normal and I'll get through it all unscathed and without scars.  But it's unlikely.  Because my emotions and spirit are being trampled upon and nothing will ever be totally right about any of this.  I am going with the flow.  It can't be changed.  It can't be healed.  It can't be made right, so the only alternative is to ride it.  Go with it.  And try not to be taken under with it.

But remember....

If he could tell me.  If he really was able to... I know he'd tell me these things....

Kathi, you are doing okay and you are so loved.  You are doing the best you can, I feel your love, and I utterly trust you to do the right things.  You are the love of my life and I don't want you to hurt.  I know this is hard and I am so sorry you have to go through this with me.  I knew I would break your heart and wish so much I didn't have to.  But you are strong.  And you will be okay.  Just remember all the things we talked about.. all we discussed and decided...  and be careful not to be overly concerned what others think because we are in this together.  Be patient with yourself.  Take care of yourself.  I love you.  You know my deepest thoughts.  And they are for your good.  Stay strong.  

I'll try.

my little girl self

The more experiences I have and the more time that passes I find I am even more thankful for the parents I was given.  They taught me to be independent and to stand on my own.  They choose to think the best of me and don't get overly in my face making me feel their way is the only way.  We are able to be honest and share our thoughts freely without the fear of being ostracized or judged or looked down on for having our own ideas.   I hope I can be this kind of supportive parent as well.  It has shaped me and made me who I am.

A friend told me today that I should consider the spiritual and emotional damage that cancer does (or can do) to me while it does physical damage to Edd, and forgive myself when I'm less than perfect even if others will ... either now or later ... be judgmental or critical.  I'm such an honest and open person and I'm finding out I can't always be that way with some... because they easily misunderstand... It's made me sad to realize that again.  That I can't trust everyone... You'd think I would have learned that by now... 

Words can help and words can hurt.  I am very grateful for the people in my life who use their words and spiritual depth to pull me out of wrong perspectives. 

There are many things I am telling my "little girl self" today.  The little girl that needs to be reminded she is doing right.  She is giving her all and even when it's not acknowledged or understood and her heart aches and feels trampled on, she can learn and grow and find rest and perspective and the peace that passes all understanding...... She needs to trust God more ... and herself.

Kindergarten

Me with my brother

One year old

through the camera's lens....

Life is  full of the unexpected.  I guess it would be boring if it wasn't.

This week the grandmother clock, that hasn't chimed in many years, began chiming its little heart out at 12:30 in the morning!  I had to unplug it till I was awake enough in the morning to start it up again.  It was nice to hear that familiar noise that I used to listen to as a little girl in my childhood home... but not continuously in the middle of the night!  Kind of fun though.

I've always been able to grow healthy African Violets when it seemed few others could.  But the last couple of years there have been no flowers.  This last week they decided to bloom again.  And it's full of buds.   Nice unexpected surprise.

I went out in the back yard garden and saw other treats of nature.

A hyacinth sprung up.

Flowers blooming in the garden

A dandelion before the breeze blew it away and it was gone.

Awww... Cooper visited.....

Just some happy photos from today.....

brave

From time to time someone has told me I am brave.  From time to time I have thought someone else brave.

But recently someone told me that I make them brave.

I thought about that some and it humbled me.   The things we go though, our experiences,  can someday actually benefit someone else.   When I'm going through trials though, the rough patches that life can bring, I sure don't dwell on how my experience can help someone else.  I'm IN it and trying to find my way around... but it may come later ... after the lessons have sunk in and we've had time... lots of time if we are granted it ... to process them.  In some crazy way it gives the pain purpose... just a little more meaning to the seemingly meaningless...  

It made me think of those who have made ME feel brave too.  Given me courage.  Often it's those who have already walked the path I am traveling and have made it.  They've survived somehow and now have a testimony.  A story that it'll be okay.  Somehow, it'll be okay... and I can make it too.

Sometimes it's just someone going through a particularly difficult situation totally unrelated to mine. They've gone through the fire and been tested and have stood firm even though it would be so easy to give up.  They make me feel brave too.... and give me courage and love to face today.  

Sometimes it's someone who loves me with an unconditional love.  Like Jesus.  Who has scars to prove it.

**

Courage is fear holding on a minute longer.  ~George Smith Patton

Courage is never to let your actions be influenced by your fears.  ~Arthur Koestler

experience

Sometimes the memory and mental challenges can be frustrating.  Sometimes they display themselves in a comical way.  This morning the latter was the case.

Him:  I’m  so glad I have you.  Without you life wouldn’t be very good.  If you do nothing else but take care of me you’ve made a difference in the world.  I know I’m just one person .. but.... it means a lot.

Me:  Aww...  You are so worth it.  I am glad I can give back to you for all you’ve given to me.  That was such a wonderfully sweet thing to say.

Him:  Well.... Don’t ask me to repeat it because I don’t think I could.  

Sometimes I quickly go from the depths of emotion to peeks in the time it would take a bipolar person to say “Boo”....

My life is such a complicated mixture of tender moments, deep sentiment, worried brows, and even anxiety ... but there is also laughter to sweep away some of the intensity.  


I had a good talk with one of his sons today.  We all know others who often play the victim even though they have little to complain about.  We talked about how spending time with Edd gives us little luxury to feel sorry for ourselves and challenges our perspective on our problems.  He never complains.  Good even comes out of bad situations.  It made me happy he is able to acknowledge even a little of that.


Life has lessons to teach us.

Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself.  ~Thomas Jefferson

A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions.  ~Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr

Experience teaches only the teachable.  ~Aldous Huxley