Monday, September 26, 2011

finding the words

Anyone who knows me personally knows I am struggling with and perplexed by certain aspects of life right now.  When you love someone with an illness it's difficult not to get lost in it all.  It's a time when you feel all kinds of crazy guilt as well as helplessness.

I began reading the book that will be part of a ladies' study group I am involved with and sure enough the first chapter began with a man who was dedicated to praying for a woman in a coma who had brain damage and was not expected to ever recover.  He prayed for hours and months ... and committed himself to praying for this woman and she recovered... fully.  It was a miracle.  That happens I know.  But wrestling, pleading and begging God doesn't seem to be any more a sign of faith to me than getting on my knees and sincerely asking .... with the belief that God could heal if He wanted to.   Trying to convince God to act as though my many words would somehow catch His attention more adequately seems less about Him than about me.

I pray.  I ask God for healing.  I will not stop, but I don't want my faith in God to rest on whether He decides to heal my husband or not.  Whether my prayers "work" or not.

I think I need to come to terms with the fact that I cannot... and will not... be able to know God's will and purposes completely in this life.  I need to rest in the knowledge that that's okay.

I talked to a kindred spirit today.  It healed my heart some to get together with a woman who really understood how I felt.   She said, "What cancer is doing to your husband's body, it is doing to your heart and soul."  Yes.  Someone who really understands.  Sarah lost her soulmate to cancer over ten years ago.  She shared some personal stories that made a huge difference in my perspective.  

So grateful for that.  For people who are lifelines to us.

Sometimes my faith gets lost in the shuffle.  But... 

.... A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.


  1. Kathi, this one took my breath away. Hugs to you, my friend. I'm so glad you found someone who has walked through your forest to help you.

  2. Thank you for sharing this, for sharing about the complicated stuff in the middle of everything. I love the line "Sometimes my faith gets lost in the shuffle"--it certainly rings true for me. Your words are beautiful, Kathi.

  3. I loved this...

    "Trying to convince God to act as though my many words would somehow catch His attention more adequately seems less about Him than about me."

    That hit me like a ton of bricks....

    Thank you for sharing your heart and vulnerability with where you are at. I needed these words, this post, and your heart tonight.

  4. I love this post. Recognizing that it is God's will and that if it doesn't go our way we can still have faith. Praying for you and Edd.