As I read words by C.S. Lewis in his book A Grief Observed I'm strangely comforted by a man who was such a great apologist for Christianity and yet still wrestled with his faith during a time of great suffering.
“God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't... He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down.”
Wow.
“When you are happy, so happy you have no sense of needing Him, so happy that you are tempted to feel His claims upon you as an interruption, if you remember yourself and turn to Him with gratitude and praise, you will be — or so it feels— welcomed with open arms. But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence.”
I have felt this silence. And I have felt something even worse then anger toward God. What is worse is doubting that He even exists and that this life is all there is. Because if we doubt He exists where is our hope?
There are things we cannot learn any other way but to "go through it." I loved when my children were little and I seemed to have the power to kiss a boo boo and make the pain go away. Make it all better. But life is seldom that simple.
I've always believed one of our greatest callings is to help take the sting out of life for someone else. To help by our words, by a touch, by a kind gesture or loving support.
Deep thoughts. But they are mine tonight. And admitting our doubts, as I have been told, is part of our soul's growth.
I'm hoping.
“God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't... He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down.”
Wow.
“When you are happy, so happy you have no sense of needing Him, so happy that you are tempted to feel His claims upon you as an interruption, if you remember yourself and turn to Him with gratitude and praise, you will be — or so it feels— welcomed with open arms. But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence.”
I have felt this silence. And I have felt something even worse then anger toward God. What is worse is doubting that He even exists and that this life is all there is. Because if we doubt He exists where is our hope?
There are things we cannot learn any other way but to "go through it." I loved when my children were little and I seemed to have the power to kiss a boo boo and make the pain go away. Make it all better. But life is seldom that simple.
I've always believed one of our greatest callings is to help take the sting out of life for someone else. To help by our words, by a touch, by a kind gesture or loving support.
Deep thoughts. But they are mine tonight. And admitting our doubts, as I have been told, is part of our soul's growth.
I'm hoping.
I think it's always comforting to know that you're not the only one who struggles - the only one who wonders if God hears our prayers or knows of our personal existence. In my darkest moments I've had it whispered to me that he does hear us and does love us. But like any good parent, he lets us struggle a bit to make us strong while always keeping a hand outstretched to catch us when we stumble. Hold onto your faith and know that you are loved.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful post. (If I comment any further, it will just take away the feelings I have right now.)
ReplyDeleteKathi,
ReplyDeleteI'm always humbled when I read your postings. How lovely and thought provoking your words were today.
I wanted to take a moment to tell you how kind it was of you to post your good wishes and prayers for my husband while he was working his way towards healing. He's doing better, and I thank you again for your kind thoughts.
God's Blessings and tranquillity are my prayers for you today.
Hugs~
Dear Kathi,
ReplyDeleteYour post today is like an open prayer to God. You said what is in your heart. your pain is so real to me and your resolve to always have hope is a gift you can't give up ever. I'll keep you in my heart and prayers always.
Love and Hugs,
Mom