The days move along. There are bipolar-esque moments. There is sameness and ordinariness and then the moments come that startle me back to reality.
It is us alone in the early morning hour drinking coffee in quietness when over to me he walks with the coffee pot. “I’m going to finish this and then make a new pot, OK?”
“Well I think that would be too much caffeine... too much coffee, don’t you think, honey?”
“Aren’t there more people here that will be drinking it when they get up?”
“No, it’s just us... just us”...
The look on his face is what gets me. Breaks my heart every time. He was just being kind. Being helpful. Thinking of others. Wanting to do what he can.
I walk over and hold tight... just hold... tight... willing so hard that my embrace will just take away the pain. Take away the confusion. Please. PLEASE let the love transfer from my embrace so it’s felt. Really felt. And God, fill me with the love needed to give.
There are days and moments of our life that seem to make little sense... yet that may be when growth can occur. When the material world has little to offer and satisfaction doesn’t come from stuff. Years ago I used to pray that God would do whatever it took to build in me depth... I kind of wish He forgot that prayer sometimes, but maybe He hasn’t forgotten and maybe I’m not forgotten.
It’s going to be a good day.
Don't lose faith, just keep taking one day at a time, all will be well!
ReplyDeleteOh my - you're breaking my heart here, Kathy. I know your sweet husband can feel your love from every embrace, and from just being in the same room. You don't have to be perfect every minute - he will take comfort simply in knowing that it's YOU he's with.
ReplyDeleteGod remembers you and your struggles every minute of every day. He is making you stronger, helping you to know Him better each day through your conversations.
I had to smile at your years-ago prayer. We have to be careful what we ask for sometimes, don't we? You're up to it though. One moment at a time.
I feel your pain and wish I could advise and send wise words to help.
ReplyDeleteI admire the wisdom your friends at this blog send... Im sure their comments and compassion help a lot. Just expressing your feelings help too. You are doing all the right things because your love shows you the way.I hope my love and prayers for you and Edd help a little.
Oh Kathi, those long ago prayers we, in very challenging moments wish that perhaps God didn't feel so compelled to answer! When my Anna was 2 I prayed for more challenge in my life---then along came Hillary! It is comforting, however to know that God is listening.........You are wonderful.
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