savor

I sit here in the quietness of the morning and ….  savor.  I think the word savor will be my mantra for the coming year.

Yesterday my daughter and son-in-law began to move into their new house.  They've lived here in mine for the last eight months while theirs was being built.  It was a time full of highs and lows, but they are beginning to settle into their new adventure.  It's a house they are now beginning to make into a home.  I hope it will be a place of safety, and a place to weather the storms of life… their refuge and where love is on display.

My dad is upstairs now visiting for the holidays.  Missing his wife is written on his face most of the time.  Though he tries to overcome his sadness, he fails much of the time.  All I can do is try to love him through it.

Edd's youngest son is getting married today!  Seeing him so happy last night was pure joy.  He is marrying a great girl with a wonderful family.  The energy at dinner was full of warmth and openness.  … open arms and open hearts.  It's good to be able to cheer on those we care about.  Root for them ….  I know his dad would be so proud of the man he's become.

I am feeling chapters closing and new ones opening… and it feels good.

learning

Life is interesting… and much is unexpected.  In spite of every sad thing I could think about this time of the year I have joy.

Maybe I'm getting somewhere.

Just maybe I'm learning to savor the times when peace reigns in my life and giving myself permission to let go of things beyond my control and…. exhale… enjoy.

Some things haven't changed any.  Missing loved ones not around to hug is a constant.  The missing part is always there and will never go away…But I'm learning to accept.  It makes me human... and fully authentically me.

Also this is the first Christmas in my entire life that I won't get a stocking filled with thoughtful lovely things from my mom, but I'll survive that too and I'll savor and cherish all the love and memories that are still very much ALIVE!  The love is almost tangible and as real as anything could possibly be…. It fills me up.

So I'm learning.  I'm learning to accept myself right where I am…not comparing myself to anyone else.  Why do we do that?  Experiences and people are so different…..

Learning to embrace who I am with my own strengths and insights that have been hard earned and picked up along the journey that is uniquely my own.

I'm learning not to edit myself for anyone …

So remember… Remember when you think you aren't making progress in your life that some things just take time… more time than you think you should have to go through … but if you're willing to stay open and teachable the end result will be worth it.

this picture

circa 1975  New Jersey

This picture might just look like a house on a hill to some, but to me it is a lot more than that.  It speaks volumes.  It kind of haunts me, but in the best of ways.  Each window conjures up a memory of life under its roof and within its safe walls.

I see a kitchen window and my mom inside making this house a home.  This time of the year I'd look for the spritz cookie recipe that we'd use with Christmas cookie cutters.  There would be sprinkles and flour everywhere… and warmth.

I see the living room window panes where mom would tape her homemade snowflakes each year made with white tissue paper… the Christmas tree would be near by.  It wouldn't have the cool small twinkly lights on it that we have today.  The bulbs would be colorful, larger and hot … and I'd occasionally put tinsel on one of them to watch it melt.  The mantle would be decorated and a crackling fire would be lit underneath. 

I can still see every square foot of our property in my mind.  I walked it.  I explored it.  I climbed it.  I cartwheeled and sleigh rode across it.  I grew up in it.

I see my brother's bedroom window and remember the view looking out of it into the woods.  Though I can't see mine I know it's on the other side of the house where the driveway wound down to the dirt road below.

I'm reminded of a back door that for a time wasn't used because there was nothing to go out to.  The rock stairs had crumbled over the years and were replaced later by a nice deck.  But the in-between time  resulted in a door that stayed locked.  This speaks to me about my parents inability to get everything exactly when they wanted it.  They had to save for things.  They had to wait and didn't get into debt just to have stuff right away like too many do today.  They worked hard.  It didn't effect or hurt us one single bit to have to wait to have any material possession.   Even a back door.

I'm hoping future generations see that clearly.  In our pursuit of stuff I hope it doesn't get lost.  The news is full this time of the year of people shopping for the best deals and fighting over them.   Consumerism is running rampant.  I see many houses so full of stuff that they can't even park their car in the garage.  It's so full of stuff.  

New so quickly becomes old… and pushed aside.

My mom and dad made the wise decision before I was born to raise their family here.  Where there was space and fresh air… and a special freedom.  They really did live the American dream.

I don't know.  I like things same as the next person, but real life doesn't consist of more and more stuff.   The best things in life aren't things at all. 

I heard this quote today by Sandra Bullock… She said, 

"When people are like, 'Life is good,' I go, 'No, life is a series of disastrous moments, painful moments, unexpected moments, and things that will break your heart. And in between those moments, that's when you savor, savor, savor.'"

I kind of liked that.  At least the words struck a chord in me.  I try not to focus on the disastrous moments though, but on the savor, savor, savor…...

Richness consists in being able to look back and say how good all the memories were that were made… and all the lessons that were learned and lived…. Richness comes when we love one another through the tough times…. 

knowing that is where a lot of the "good stuff" comes from….

thoughts for today

I decided today that waiting till Thanksgiving to make a pumpkin pie is a bad idea.  I think this year I will spread Thanksgiving goodness throughout the whole week before and even after Thanksgiving!   I think the expectations we build up over the holidays can threaten to lessen some of the joy and I don't want to do that.

Thanksgiving Day I plan to do some volunteer work in the morning.   Other family members have plans for part of the day too.  When I get home I'll make a turkey and lots of other yummy things, but it's all about enjoying this time of year and remembering the good in our lives.  We can have leftovers all week.  I'll drag out some Christmas decorations ….

I'm learning that I need to be able to be flexible and fit into the changes in my life.

I took a walk this morning and gathered leaves as I went along.  They were so pretty. Texas changes in the fall too.  It just takes longer…  Few things bring me back to my childhood the way a cold Autumn day does.  The memories are vivid…. the way the air smelled along with the smoke coming from our chimney in New Jersey as my dad burned fragrant cedar logs.   Today was cold… all day…  upper thirties here as I walked… and the air made my ears sting.  I like to walk because it's a good time to think and pray…  remember… and center myself.

Changes come all throughout our lives.  Maybe I'm just more aware of it now than I used to be.  As soon as you settle into a new "normal" that normal changes again and we need to readjust to begin to feel comfortable again.  Like the seasons….

I'm looking forward to purging things out of my life that aren't useful anymore.  Things that aren't positive or helpful or beautiful.  I am becoming more and more drawn to simplicity and ridding my life of clutter.  In a world where people seem to want to continuously accumulate stuff I am seeing the enormous value of getting rid of the noise in our lives so we can really hear what's important.  It's a process and I have a long way to go.

My wish today is that all have enough….. being content and grateful… with always enough.

timing

Recently I heard a statement that I could really relate to.  You know how you can hear words expressed and not think much about them ... and then you hear something that brings poignant truth straight to your heart.

"Life is about timing... and timing is everything in love and in loss...."

When I look backwards in my life it only confirms that.  I am still amazed at the perfect timing in meeting Edd.  How we almost lost touch, but then reconnected.  About the rightness of it all.  How I believe we were put together for something of eternal worth... much bigger than we could have imagined, for a special purpose and time.  For both of us.  Though I miss him no less each day, he is still with me... and it's a warm comfortable place in my heart where I sense his love still...

I'm not naturally a patient person when I want something to happen.  But some of the best things that have come to me in my life came unexpectedly... and were dropped in my lap.

Timing.

I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned and how it's changing me.... where it's leading me.

It's leading me to embrace more of what is eternal and less of what is temporary.  It's pressing me to not fret the small stuff and really see what is before me and whether it has value or not.  To take the time.  It's made me see how so much of what people do in this life is chasing after the wind.  Chasing after things that really don't satisfy.

I've always been grounded, but it's upped the ante... or raised the bar... for seeing what is important and what is not.  It's solidifying my values.

Our society is way out of control with its consumerism and we've just lost touch with what contentment and satisfaction is all about... with a lifestyle that knows how to love simple things and enjoy moments.  We think we need more and more stuff to be happy when that has nothing to do with happiness at all.

Timing is everything in love and loss...

That truth gives me faith and courage for the days ahead.

many "to dos" to do today

It's been a busy week.   A leak here, a leak there...  some repairs made.  Getting the furnace inspected and up to speed for some c-c-c-cold nights!  Brrr.  When it rains it pours and everyone can relate to that one.  The recent storms also revealed I need a new roof ... bummer.   Such is life.... But today was full of tackling projects and it felt good.  Pushing forward and eliminating things needing to be done.  One day at a time as they say.

I like looking at my "to do" list after a day like today and seeing all I accomplished in my waking hours.  

Got my windshield replaced.  Grrrr.... a stone flew up while on the highway and cracked it a few days ago.

Took down and cleaned some vents on the ceiling that looked yucky.  I bought new ones, but they were the wrong size of course.  I always have to make at least two trips to Home Depot or Lowes to complete one simple project.  Decided to just wash/scrub them instead though!  

Changed AC/Heater air filters and vacuumed the dusty area.

Pruned plants and flowers.  Planted some in pots to replace a few that froze to death last night.  Poor things.

Got current on my "bill pay" and organized piles of papers on my desk.

Ran a multitude or errands, bought and mailed a couple gifts to family and friends, did some grocery shopping...

Got brave and tackled difficult phone calls I was putting off.... 

Sigh.

My desire, my hope, my goal ... is to simplify my life and home more and more.... and more.   There are still some uncontrollable aspects in my life, but much I can do to move toward that end to simplify.  It's a process and I can't expect to get there all in one day... or week... or month but I can keep moving in the right direction.  And I intend to.

You can't reach for anything new if your hands are still holding on to yesterday's junk.

  ~Louise Smith

Simplify:  Eliminate the unnecessary so the necessary may speak!

ever changing

Just got back from another trip to the Oregon Coast.  It hasn't changed too dramatically since the first time I went out there.  The Pacific ocean is just as beautiful and majestic as the waves hit the shore... and they hit ferociously too since it was stormy.  Though I got one good walk in along the rocky paths it mostly rained.  One day the weather was sunny, then rained, then sunny, then hailed, then sunny, then rain.... and so on.  Ever changing.

Like life.

The biggest change out there is that mom is missing.  Her smile, warmth and open arms.  Her presence seems to be everywhere though.   It's nice, but painful.  Bittersweet in the extreme.  Memories come one after another like the ocean waves.  Love seems to fill all the nooks and crannies of a home that was filled with her influence and beauty.  

I want so much to embrace and then share all the good that has been mine... so many blessings.... comfort and warmth.  Love and acceptance.... I'm still finding my way in all of this.  Some people seem to go on and embrace life to the fullest again... but I'm still a bit stunned.   Sometimes I curse the deep thinker and overly sensitive me.... but it's who I am and that's okay ... and there must be a purpose in it all....

So I wait, and I move forward, and I do what I can each day.... carrying all the good stuff I've been given close to me ... deep in my heart.

dachshunds to the rescue!

Last year I lamented a little bit not being able to go to the Annual Reunion for the dachshund rescue organization I got Norman from .... but this year we went.

Dog lovers are a special breed, no pun intended, and dachshund owners/lovers are in a class all by themselves.  I met a lady who rescues dogs that have been abandoned around her city... all kinds of dogs.   I met a woman who owned a dachshund with no teeth or jaw.  I met a couple who adopted two dachshunds, one had scars all over his back and had been abused.  I met sweet little dachshunds who are being trained and used as therapy dogs. 

Since it was an October event, many of the doxies were in costumes for Halloween.  My Norman just won't stand for that though.  He freezes up and won't move if I even put a sweater on him.... so I won't torture him!  Though my previous dachshund LOVED to wear sweaters!

There were hot dogs (of course) for lunch, raffles, free samples of pet food, treats, interesting vendors selling their stuff.... and DACHSHUND RACES!  If you've never seen a dachshund race you're really missing out!  It's hilarious.  They race a short distance to their owner on the other end of the track.  Some run a straight path and others don't.  Very sweet!



Off to the races!

Norman got to see the lady, Christine, who took care of him for quite some time before I adopted him.  He certainly seemed to remember her and gave her some kisses and sat contentedly on her lap.  Another dachshund who hadn't seen Christine in almost two years ran up to her as she sat in a chair next to me.  The little guy was crying and carrying on trying to get to her.  Though he now has a wonderful home, he remembered Christine and showed it with every whimper, wiggle, yelp and wag of his tail!



Norman with Christine

There are so many dogs that need forever homes and I really appreciate all that these organizations do to place great companions into loving homes and arms.  After losing Edd, Norman made me smile again.



Norman with his crooked foot



Me... the day he came home with me

random statements, questions and observations.... for a friday evening....

Life is too short to be motivated by anything but love.  Sometimes I think things through too much and lose site of the best priority.... just love and leave the results to God.

I choose to embrace and celebrate my life with courage.  Edd offered me tons of courage through his example, his love for me.... and his trust and confidence in me.

Cultivate infectious joy?  I saw that on a bumper sticker recently.  What does that mean actually?

The worst thing you can do to a person is make them feel invisible.  Like they are not even worth your time.  Validate people.

Some relationships are corrosive.... little by little people are being minimalized.  You shouldn't allow anyone to make you feel that way.  We need to accept the significant people in our lives and love them right where they are.  We don't have the power to change anyone, but we have the power to change ourselves.

I did something hard today.  I sorted through some more belongings of my husband's that needed to go to Goodwill.  No one has been there to help.  Some things you have to go through alone I guess.  But I did it and got through it reverently... till the next time.  It still hurt though as if I lost him yesterday.

We draw to us what we are... call that the law of attraction or whatever... but we are like magnets to those who identify with us or want what we project.  You want good people in your life?  Be that!  It can be a good thing when people drop out of our lives....

It's not that I miss Edd any less, it's just that a heart cannot maintain that level of grief for long and be able to be healthy or sane.   You cannot function at that level of grief forever so you have to let some of it go and disengage....  I hate that too though but it's a matter of survival.

Sometimes there is a fine line between inspiration and feeling bad about yourself.  Sometimes reading other people's life stories do one or the other to me.  I need to be the best version of ME that I can be...  not compare myself to someone else and what they are doing.

I want to get rid of more and more clutter in my life.  I want the best kind of "more" in my life....

"When you look back in 20, 30, 60 years, what would you rather see? A life filled with stacks of stuff and a ton of obligations and a lot of scurrying... around from errand to errand? Or a life centered around carefully gathering valuable experiences and items and goals?

Because that’s the other half of minimalism. The half where less gives way to more: more experiences, more enjoyment, more purpose, more connections, more laughter, more independence, more passion, more great work. The best kind of more." Jeffrey Tang

Yeah, that's what I want.

moms

As a mom I worry about my kids... and let's face it, your children, no matter what their age will always be your "kids".    I'm not the first, nor the last, nor the only one.... who feels this way.  I am part of a long line of mothers who love their children with a deep and lasting love ..... who prays for them and gives them to God every day.  I wish for them to have contentment, fulfillment and joy... and all they need to make wise and good choices.

Ahhh..... there is peace in just knowing I can pray for them.... there is a serenity that comes when you give up control as an act of faith and rest in God's control...

Is it strange that as my relationship with God gets closer... more healthy...  that I feel the presence and closeness of Edd even more as well...  and more real?  I don't think it's a coincidence.

Sometimes I feel this world is even closer to the next than we realize.

But getting back to moms....

I remember when I was a little girl.  I was an insecure little kid.  I felt the most safe when I was home with my mom in our country house up on a hill in rural New Jersey.  I'd walk down the driveway every day to get the bus when I was only five years old... going to Kindergarten.  As I'd leave the house I'd say, "Mom am I going to be okay today?"  Knowing my fears, she'd always reply, "Yes, you will be okay."

And then somehow I was.... But God forbid I forgot to ask her if I'd be okay before leaving.  I'd then have a worrisome, horrible day!

I must have drove my poor mom crazy!

But I grew up.... and out of those fears.

I guess.  Mostly.... Maybe.

Fast forward a few decades... and I find myself in the office of a cardiologist after getting a slew of tests done.  Basically I was saying, "Doc, am I going to be okay?"

Thankfully he answered, Yes... all is fine.

And my symptoms went away ....  Truth is we all need a little reassurance from time to time, don't we?

I had tests done because I needed to know everything was okay.

As I reflected on this I thought, "Mom, did you have something to do with this?  You're not here to tell me I'm okay, and boy did I ever rely on you for your words of encouragement over the years.  You'll never know.... but I can't help but think you may have had a part in getting me to see someone who could speak your words.... "

All is well.  All will be well.

I love you Mom....

wounds

In the last few years it's become apparent to me that emotional wounds are just as real as physical wounds.  Physical wounds are easy to see... they result in bleeding, pain and possible infection.  They can be ugly.  Sometimes the wound doesn't heal as quickly as another's wound.  Sometimes the wound gets better and then flares up again and needs more attention and care.  Sometimes the wound takes much longer to heal than we think it should.  

Emotional wounds are the same way.  But often we don't give them the same care and compassion. 

But we should.  We need to.

Just because we can't see a wound with our eyes... with a bandage on it, we often think they are not as important.... or even deny their existence.    We need to recognize that they need time to heal and can heal but they need loving nurturing care, just the way a physical wound does.   Sometimes others feel as though we should be "better" sooner than we are....

People we meet each day have them.  I've often thought it would be nice if we could treat people with a little more care and a little more love and just try to see beyond the physical bodies in front of us.  You know, don't take the bait and get all bent out of shape when someone ticks you off or acts like a careless idiot.  You don't have to like it, but don't let people ruin your day.  Oh I know it's hard.... people can be full of prickles and so hard to love... but I learned through losing Edd that emotional wounds take time to heal and there's no rushing the process...  just like there's no rushing a physical wound's healing.  They get better in their own time.  

It's not easy but I'd like to see beyond the physical and remember that people we meet have wounds we can't see.... and wouldn't it be nice if others took the time to care about ours as well ....  It could make all the difference.

Google Images photo

moving forward and trusting ....

I just love evenings like this.  One that I can pour a glass of wine, have a little Brie.... and crackers... enjoy a pesto and tomato pizza and just relax and think and reflect... Count my many blessings.... see clearly God working in my life....

....I've begun trusting myself again.  And it feels right... and good.  While in a vulnerable place I began questioning myself too much and what I had to offer.  And you know what?  After much soul searching I'm coming out of it.  I'm realizing I have much experience and much to share of value.   I don't need to hold back when the circumstance warrants.   Adversity will do that to a person.   Make them question.  Doubt.  But it's designed to eventually make us stronger.  With more resilience, courage and strength ...  and more to give.

It is doing that.

God uses adversity for our good.  If we are willing and open....

Times of questioning in our lives have their place.  I welcome it.  But I'm feeling stronger now.  God brought me into, stayed with me, walked with me through... and brought me out of.... is STILL bringing me out of.... tough times .... for a reason.  Once again I am seeing that His divine plan involves nothing, NOTHING, being wasted.  It's used for our good.... for a purpose.... whether you believe in Him or not... He is....

... for you too.

I'm trusting.

Thankful.

Grateful.

At peace.

this last year....

Life gets busy... and I'm always learning something new.  About myself.  Others.  And about life in general.  One thing that's nice about having a blog, or writing, is that you can look back and remember things that might otherwise be lost. 

It's been a year since I wrote this.... and this....

Today I discovered it's been exactly one year since I bought my bike.  I've been riding quite a bit and find it's one of the best things I did for myself this last year.  I wish I knew just how many miles I've put on it.  It would be fun to know. 

This last year I discovered what it's like to feel as though you are on a downward spiral that you can't stop.   I found out some important things about myself and I couldn't help thinking about other people like me who are struggling too and may not understand what is happening to them.  Time reveals such valuable insights if we continue to be open.

I've had many an insight these last months.

My doctor prescribed some medication for me for stress and anxiety because I asked her for it.  A while back.  I needed something.  I think it may have even helped some in the beginning but some of these medications can be a slippery slope once you start taking them and can really mess with your head.  I've learned I am better off striving to eat healthy, get plenty of rest and exercise, cultivate friendships... and keep seeking God... trusting Him to the bigger things in life that I just can't understand...   

It's been a busy couple of months for doctor's appointments.  Today was the yearly A Woman's Place exam and I'm happy that's over.  The good news is I am ten pounds less than I was this time last year, but 1/4 of an inch shorter!

That hardly seems fair to me!

I talked to a friend recently who described how she felt when she lost her mom and dad.  She said she felt like a little boat drifting in the middle of a vast ocean... Just not quite knowing where she was or where she was going.  Feeling lost.

I could relate.

And I'm learning...

"If you're really listening, if you're awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regularly. In fact, your heart is made to break; its purpose is to burst open again and again so that it can hold ever more wonders."

- Andrew Harvey

"No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow." 

- Alice Walker

"As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us. As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us" - Sascha

thoughts about stress

Stress.  Yeah, I've had it.  I took care of my husband with cancer for almost four years only to watch him lose his life to the horrid disease.   I watched my mom take her last breath exactly one year later.  The two rocks in my life.... gone....  My oldest daughter struggles with addictions that I can't fix.   Some decided I wasn't good enough for them and rejected me for following my husband's wishes.   Faith?  I've struggled with that too.  What gave me peace for the last three decades is just not giving me the answers I need right now. 

But I have hope.  Because I am not going to give up the search.  I am getting there and will be all the stronger because of it.  Because of all of it.   Learning lessons that only adversity can teach.... I know God knows all and I have no regrets or guilt... so that gives me courage and hope... I lean on my friends and my family. ....  but I'm only human with limitations so I strive to gain the strength I need.

We all do. 

Funny (well, not really.)  So many of us today struggle with stress in our lives.  It's a tough world.  According to the American Psychological Association (APA) 77% of people regularly experience physical symptoms caused by stress.  That's a lot of folks! 

Today, while at a doctor's appointment, I talked to the nurse who administered a quick EKG of my heart.  As I told her the stresses in my life, she responded with understanding and began to tell me of the stresses in HER life.  I then became the compassionate listener as I heard of her losing a child six years ago.  She said she will sometimes turn on the news and hear of all the horrible things going on and feel a bit overwhelmed with it all..... 

Yup... We are all not that much different if we are honest with one another.  One man in the waiting room spoke to me a couple of times, almost yelling across the room at me stating.... "How's your blood pressure?"  and "Are you filling out all those forms?"   When I lifted my head to look at him, smiling, he then said that it gave him too much stress to answer all those questions!!   I told him I understood.  Honestly, there were about 8 pages of paperwork to fill out for this doctor's appointment.  Possibly a bit overwhelming for an 80-year-old man who came to his appointment holding a blood pressure monitor in his hands..... I wanted to give him a hug..... I see people differently than I used to....

Sometimes all we need is to have something tweaked health wise... some good advice.   And sometimes we just need someone to tell us we are okay and then somehow we are... and our symptoms vanish in time.  Of course sometimes it's serious and by being proactive we stop a catastrophe from occurring.

But most of the time the stresses in life pass and we deal with them and move forward as best we can.

restyled

When Edd asked me to marry him back in 2007, on New Year's Day, it was one of the best days of my life.  Not only because of how happy his proposal made me, but because the ring he chose was so incredibly beautiful.   It gave me great joy to wear it.

After losing him I found comfort in wearing my rings .... but after a while looking down at them brought pain.  Everyone is different.  I have another widow friend who still wears her wedding rings and does so with great happiness.  I couldn't bear to wear them, but I couldn't bear to have them stay tucked away in my jewelry box either.  It made me sad to see them there.   I've wondered what to do and found a perfect solution for me this weekend.

  

The jewelry store where we purchased the rings was having a reuse/renew/restyle event that I went to.  I was able to pick out a new setting and I did!  It's completely different than the original and now my beautiful diamond sits in a white and rose gold setting that accents this Masterpiece perfectly!

I am also going to get the original setting and my wedding band disconnected and have the band saved in its original state.  Then I'll get another gemstone (Edd's birthstone perhaps?) put into the original engagement ring setting .... 

I love it.  It's bringing joy again ... and I know Edd would be pleased....  

... pleased that I can move forward... and still honor our love and special memories!

Restyled

The original

favorite things this week....

New friends ..... happy hour or a movie out, lunch gatherings  .... 

I rediscovered Hawthorne... as in Nathaniel .... and I'm enjoying reading his short stories.... liking the moral allegories and thought-provoking tales.  Last read was "The Ambitious Guest".

Also rediscovered the library (surely my librarian mom is pleased, right?).... and free audio books.... Listening to something good feeds my mind and makes me laugh depending on what I'm listening to! 

Exercising ... (oh why can't I be a tad more consistent?)  I probably do better than most... but not as good as I should.

Reducing the "noise" in my life.

Quotes.... I love 'em!...... Here are some favorites this week....(all by Robert Brault)

"The toughest test of good judgment is to know 

when to withhold your better judgment."

"It can be a lifelong battle to try to love someone 

through the chinks in their armor."

"A river never beats its head against obstacles.  

It always goes around, and it always gets to the sea."

"Two raindrops, flung from the heavens, merge on a windowpane.  

A chance meeting?  Tell it to the two raindrops."

and my favorite....

The mind, as you age,

Is an artist, it seems.

Monet paints your mem'ries,

Picasso your dreams. 

Ah... I relate.....

Favorite story....

The story celebrates love.  The best kind of love.  Loyal and enduring.  I wish our society honored older people more.  Much more.   Many feel they've been forgotten.  We need to slow down, be polite and considerate ... show kindness.... and listen to their stories.   This story touched me so much..... there are many like him.  Many older folks feel invisible....and that breaks my heart....


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"It is not necessary to be strong in every place if in the place you are vulnerable, you are loved."

rainy days are nice around here

Loving the rain we've had this week.  I noticed that the outside temperature is often lower than the inside temperature and that is pretty unusual for mid-July in Texas.  Even throughout the night the thermometer rarely goes below 76 this time of year.   The parched ground is getting a good soaking and somehow it just does my soul good as well.

My poor daughter and son-in-law though.  They are desperately wanting to see more progress on the building of their house so they don't have to live with me for the next five years!!!  The foundation was going to be poured this week.  Don't know whether that was possible with this rain.  Oh, the uncontrollable things of life!   We were all cozy and comfy inside today ... although I heard a strange high-pitched noise and in my confused state (which I find myself in quite regularly actually!) I went to different places in the house to just ... listen intently... What the ... what IS that?  ... and where is it coming from... Then it hit me!

I had recently bought an alarm and put it in the water heater pan up in the attic.  If my water heater begins to leak the alarm will let me know before any water damage can occur in the lower levels of the house.   Nifty little device actually.   So I rushed up the attic ladder to find a bit of water from the roof dripping into the pan of the water heater!!  I mean, really, what were the chances of that?!!  The water heater was fine, but the roof was leaking a little bit right into the water heater pan below!  Practically dripping on the water alarm!  Oh, the joys of being a home owner.  It's always something.

Talked to my dad too.... He of course is still going through his own hell of missing my mom...  It's good for him to talk about her... and just be told he's normal to feel such sadness.  He told me he had a really bad night a couple nights ago and couldn't sleep so he got up around midnight.  Said he decided to make pancakes!!  Made 22 of them!!!  Said he was really on a roll!  I couldn't help but burst out laughing and he laughed too... and laugh we did.  I'm sure it wasn't funny to him at the time, but when you share it with someone else you can kind of find the humor in it... Now I think it will be our little joke to make us laugh when we need to.  I'm thankful for the healing properties in laughter!

But it was a good day.  After a nice dinner of chicken made in the crock pot, I thought the day would end perfectly if we ran up the street to Austin Scoops.  Some Madagascar vanilla bean ice cream with crushed Reese's peanut butter cup made for a good ending... topped off with a cup of chamomile and mint tea to close out the day!

a quick musing...

memories

rushing through 

filled with scenes that speed by like a freight train

stop... slow it down

let's take another look

relishing those that brought joy and healing and peace and ... rewind... show that one again.... and again.
and that one?
looking hesitatingly through squinted eyes
dare I?
maybe just for a moment
ok, enough.
 

what is life but an accumulation of memories

and lessons learned

growing one on top of another

we turn our heads to look back and see

What?  did that really happen?

it did, it was LIVED yet feels like a dream

 

the dream continues and we add to it day by day

more memories to be made

all adding up to

a life

 

adapting

Mmmm.  It's been so nice here in Texas.  Especially as I listen to weather reports around the country.  I know I wouldn't like to live in a snowy climate any more.  My body would have a hard time adapting to that.  I used to be invigorated by the cold!  What happened to that girl? 

I was thinking this morning that this was just about perfect.  The day warms up and then the night cools down considerably.  In the morning my furnace kicks on just to take the chill out of the house as I'm shuffling over to the coffee pot to make a cup of fresh brew.   Of course that Texas heat that we all love to complain about will return in time too, but for now.... I'm just enjoying.

Yesterday as I ran my errands and walked to my car I felt this "beachy" feeling.  I don't know how to explain it except to say it reminded me of days gone by.  It brought me back to a time sitting on a beach blanket at the New Jersey shore with a warm ocean breeze blowing through my hair and the warmth of the sun soaking into my skin. To riding bicycles on the boardwalk in Wildwood.  Funny how a sight, smell, or some random thought can do that.  I'm beginning to hear the birds sing again in the morning.  The winter months can be so quiet.  It seems all living things go into a silent rest.

Seasons.  There is a time for that silent rest.

I have satellite radio in my car. There are some good programs and I always seem to learn something or take away some "food for thought".    I used to find myself saying to Edd "today I heard this on the radio.... they were talking about....  What do you think of that?"   We talked about anything and everything.  Today I heard someone make a comment that "Depression is when nothing matters.  Sadness is when everything matters."  Made me realize I don't have a tendency toward depression.  Even after all that has happened .... But sadness...  yes.   There seems to be a poignancy to everything.

But today?  Today I'll relish life, breathe deeply and put one foot in front of the other moving forward knowing I'd miss so much if I didn't. 

One faces the future with one's past.  ~Pearl S. Buck

a rising hope

I feel hope rise more and more with a new ability to look ahead without fear.  Gaining confidence I lost when I lost him.  Growing strong where the weak and fragile places existed.   Ceasing to be swayed by the unpredictability of the wind. 

Vulnerability can be staggering ... strength and courage has to be found somewhere within.

Though I question, God gave us what we could handle I guess.  I mean, I'm still here.  And him?  I still think of how he "handled" it all.  How could I ever forget?  Words escape me in describing it.  It's locked into my brain and seared into my soul.  The strength.... only God could have been the source.   It changed me.   I was a witness and I was a part of it.  It rearranged my psyche.   My perspectives will be forever altered.   

I've learned.  I've learned so much.  I don't even feel like the same person.  At times I thought I was hardening.  A rock.  But when that rock shattered it came back together soft and pliable with a deeper understanding of others, of life... and of myself.


Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. ~Anne Lamott

Kindness, like a boomerang, always returns. ~Author Unknown